I promise myself

I have had a crazy week. Really, really crazy and really stressful. And what sucks is it effects me.
Stressful home life = not caring for myself = not caring what I eat.
I have not been horriable but I promise you I have eaten more and cared less because of stress.
It is an active act to be inactive with my food choices. At least for me... it is passive agressive behavior which is not healthy in any way shape or form. I am guilty of this.
So here is what I promise myself...

• I promise to weigh myself in the morning and post it here.
• I promise to reconstruct what I have eaten since the last post on my food journal to the best of my ability.
• I promise to continue to post even when I am ashamed of what I am eating (it is a hidden blog so it is only me who is accountable).
• I promise to not let stress derail me from taking care of myself.

One Week Raw - check in

One week raw
242.5 lbs
(-2.5 lbs )

Having the food diary has helped. Looking back at the last week, I have had a vegan "sweet" almost every day! I did not plan this... just did it. When processed sugar & flour are my top things to stay away from... the fact that it is vegan does not really excuse it. I tend to use that as an excuse.
But being loaded with sugar & flour is actually worse for me (food addiction wise) then being loaded with butter... I just need to remind myself of that.

The other thing I noticed was after eating 100% raw all day yesterday and then eating a whole hunk of cooked mexican food last night was that I felt sooooo hungry after the party... which is kind of the opposite of how I should have felt after eating the largest meal. I was really hungry this morning as well... blood sugar even a bit low.

But overall I am happy with the first week back on "the wagon" after such a long hiatus.
I am proud of myself. I feel a lot better. I did a bit of detox... more to come. And I felt "clean" most days. Looking back at this blog I see... as long as I keep trying I will move forward.

Food Diary

I know that I need to keep a food diary in order to succeed with my food goals.
I have learned this the hard way... I need to hold myself accountable.
I also have a friend who is going to be my accountability partner.

I know that if I write down what I eat I will loose weight and stay motivated... when I stop I usually end up stopping my plan.

So I was trying to find the best way to chronicle it without...
A> putting it here.. because no one really needs to read ALL that.
B> making it time consuming or complicated (so I do not do it).
C> having an unorganized bunch of info.

I explored a couple different ideas.
1. Another private blog on blogger
2. Twitter feeding to this blog
3. this application called "twitt what you eat"

I settled on a high bred of 1 & 2.
I like having twitter on my blog... it is kind of cool to get a glimpse of what I am eating without pages of food on the blog. And so I added to both my new blog (private) and this one.
That way I can try to keep a running tally and then update the food journal at the end of the day or week by organizing it.

I hope it will work well and keep me on track.
Might take some slight tweeking, but I am excited to have an organized food journal.

Check this out

I looked back at this blog last night. I was just looking at what I was doing right or wrong where I succeeded and failed. It is really helpful to have this 2 yr log of what I have been doing (with some breaks).







LOOK at this:
(written Christmas Eve 2006)

I want to do 100% raw tomorrow
I want to start a garden this new year (as soon as it is not possible to freeze)
I want to sell my car, I regret buying this new car.
I want to sell our house.
I want to live smaller, when everything around seems bigger and bigger.
I want to live so small, it is almost invisible.
I want to make room for Christ in our lives, in our living.
I want to live for Christ.
I want to help my dad more, maybe have him live with us.
I want to loose it all and live for what is real.
I want more time with my husband for the new year.
I want less stuff.
I want more quality.

Wow! while some of those things I still have not accomplished, I have accomplished some of the big ones. AND, I am almost in shock about the house! I can not believe I was so bold as to put that one out there and then do it! It took 2 years, but still. Good to see and think... maybe those 100 goals will be realized at this high of a rate!

Detox

Tonights conversation...

me - uggh
v - I think we might have some immodium or pepto around here somewhere.
me - no, the idea is to let it all go, not give it a friend so it will stay longer.

2009

Welcome back Blog
I have spent a lot of time at my other blog only to return back to you.
I need this blog. This is the blog that helps me with my biggest addiction, food.
It keeps me on track, it holds me accountable.
It asks me my weight without insulting or judging.
It praises me when I loose or make a triumph or breakthrough.
It is a support to me (as those who know me read and cheer me on).

We have some goals you and I, some goals this year to accomplish.
I am ready.
I am sick of feeling bad about food & myself. Sick of feeling bad physically.
Sick of the flushed skin, slow digestion, blood sugar flux & weight that I WAS NOT born to live with.

Here it goes. Again. Keep trying til you succeed.
__________________________________________

Day 5 Raw
255 lbs.

I have been doing close to 50% raw.
My main goals have been to do 2 raw meals and one cooked & vegan.
I want to keep track of what I am eating (in a detailed way) .. I need to find away to do that (posting here is kind of cumbersome).

Other main goal starting back up is to have 1 green smoothie or green juice daily & 1 green salad daily. For now I am just keeping everything simple and trying not to put too many rules on it.

I think that as I detox... and believe me I am (starting today hardcore) I will be able to feel what I need more. Coming back into this I was eating so "unclean" that I really do not think I could tell what my body needed or wanted... I just knew what it did not want (but somehow craved).

There are a couple other goals I have (besides weight loss). I want to start up a study group that will talk about food and the ethical, spiritual, physical, etc parts of eating. I believe that this will help me to find a group of people (again) who I can share and find support with. I also just find myself wanting to study different subjects with other people.
I also am looking for a nutritionist or some other person who can help me on my path. An expert who I can look to to help me navigate an area of my life that is pretty rough sometimes. That I use to cope, I use to comfort, and I use to stuff pain. It is all more complex then eating healthily for me. And I need someone to help me hear my body when all the other stuff is screaming so loudly I can not hear. I found someone I was interested in talking with and hope that I can work something out to be able to see her. There was one women in the Houston area that I was interested in looking into as well. But, I am afraid a couple things about her made me want to keep looking. I do not know if I want a "raw foodist" or not. I am kind of just leaving it up to God to help me find the right person. He certainly has helped me find the right people for other areas. So, I can trust and wait and see what comes along.

I want to post a picture.
I have to say... I have been working hard on changing my life, but I have also gone through a lot emotionally in say the past year. It was the kind of year that you survive, which is sad knowing that it was the first year of my beautiful son's life. I guess the first year of Astrid's life was hard too. But, I am really feeling like it was all stuff that I needed to go through to get the healing that I needed to move forward and let go.

I have had many revelations about food and why I hold onto the weight. And my friend Kelly has been a huge inspiration and eye opener for this. I realized, one time with her, that I held a lot of tension, etc in my belly. I hold onto hurt, anxiety, burden... right in my belly. I have to learn to let that go. Let go of the hurt and the energy that I hold there. Kelly will tell me it is something I do not need to protect me any more. It served its purpose and now it can go.
I know that there is a lot of hurt I have learned "to eat" mainly from 2 major relationships in my life. And I need to feel that hurt, set boundaries so that I can release it and not protect myself or "eat" the emotion. It will be a hard road. I have so much to learn, so much to understand. But I want to keep trying. I do not want to give up.

Happy 2009 blog. I have gained 10 lbs. And I feel pretty bad. Lets work on this thing together. K?