I promise myself

I have had a crazy week. Really, really crazy and really stressful. And what sucks is it effects me.
Stressful home life = not caring for myself = not caring what I eat.
I have not been horriable but I promise you I have eaten more and cared less because of stress.
It is an active act to be inactive with my food choices. At least for me... it is passive agressive behavior which is not healthy in any way shape or form. I am guilty of this.
So here is what I promise myself...

• I promise to weigh myself in the morning and post it here.
• I promise to reconstruct what I have eaten since the last post on my food journal to the best of my ability.
• I promise to continue to post even when I am ashamed of what I am eating (it is a hidden blog so it is only me who is accountable).
• I promise to not let stress derail me from taking care of myself.

One Week Raw - check in

One week raw
242.5 lbs
(-2.5 lbs )

Having the food diary has helped. Looking back at the last week, I have had a vegan "sweet" almost every day! I did not plan this... just did it. When processed sugar & flour are my top things to stay away from... the fact that it is vegan does not really excuse it. I tend to use that as an excuse.
But being loaded with sugar & flour is actually worse for me (food addiction wise) then being loaded with butter... I just need to remind myself of that.

The other thing I noticed was after eating 100% raw all day yesterday and then eating a whole hunk of cooked mexican food last night was that I felt sooooo hungry after the party... which is kind of the opposite of how I should have felt after eating the largest meal. I was really hungry this morning as well... blood sugar even a bit low.

But overall I am happy with the first week back on "the wagon" after such a long hiatus.
I am proud of myself. I feel a lot better. I did a bit of detox... more to come. And I felt "clean" most days. Looking back at this blog I see... as long as I keep trying I will move forward.

Food Diary

I know that I need to keep a food diary in order to succeed with my food goals.
I have learned this the hard way... I need to hold myself accountable.
I also have a friend who is going to be my accountability partner.

I know that if I write down what I eat I will loose weight and stay motivated... when I stop I usually end up stopping my plan.

So I was trying to find the best way to chronicle it without...
A> putting it here.. because no one really needs to read ALL that.
B> making it time consuming or complicated (so I do not do it).
C> having an unorganized bunch of info.

I explored a couple different ideas.
1. Another private blog on blogger
2. Twitter feeding to this blog
3. this application called "twitt what you eat"

I settled on a high bred of 1 & 2.
I like having twitter on my blog... it is kind of cool to get a glimpse of what I am eating without pages of food on the blog. And so I added to both my new blog (private) and this one.
That way I can try to keep a running tally and then update the food journal at the end of the day or week by organizing it.

I hope it will work well and keep me on track.
Might take some slight tweeking, but I am excited to have an organized food journal.

Check this out

I looked back at this blog last night. I was just looking at what I was doing right or wrong where I succeeded and failed. It is really helpful to have this 2 yr log of what I have been doing (with some breaks).







LOOK at this:
(written Christmas Eve 2006)

I want to do 100% raw tomorrow
I want to start a garden this new year (as soon as it is not possible to freeze)
I want to sell my car, I regret buying this new car.
I want to sell our house.
I want to live smaller, when everything around seems bigger and bigger.
I want to live so small, it is almost invisible.
I want to make room for Christ in our lives, in our living.
I want to live for Christ.
I want to help my dad more, maybe have him live with us.
I want to loose it all and live for what is real.
I want more time with my husband for the new year.
I want less stuff.
I want more quality.

Wow! while some of those things I still have not accomplished, I have accomplished some of the big ones. AND, I am almost in shock about the house! I can not believe I was so bold as to put that one out there and then do it! It took 2 years, but still. Good to see and think... maybe those 100 goals will be realized at this high of a rate!

Detox

Tonights conversation...

me - uggh
v - I think we might have some immodium or pepto around here somewhere.
me - no, the idea is to let it all go, not give it a friend so it will stay longer.

2009

Welcome back Blog
I have spent a lot of time at my other blog only to return back to you.
I need this blog. This is the blog that helps me with my biggest addiction, food.
It keeps me on track, it holds me accountable.
It asks me my weight without insulting or judging.
It praises me when I loose or make a triumph or breakthrough.
It is a support to me (as those who know me read and cheer me on).

We have some goals you and I, some goals this year to accomplish.
I am ready.
I am sick of feeling bad about food & myself. Sick of feeling bad physically.
Sick of the flushed skin, slow digestion, blood sugar flux & weight that I WAS NOT born to live with.

Here it goes. Again. Keep trying til you succeed.
__________________________________________

Day 5 Raw
255 lbs.

I have been doing close to 50% raw.
My main goals have been to do 2 raw meals and one cooked & vegan.
I want to keep track of what I am eating (in a detailed way) .. I need to find away to do that (posting here is kind of cumbersome).

Other main goal starting back up is to have 1 green smoothie or green juice daily & 1 green salad daily. For now I am just keeping everything simple and trying not to put too many rules on it.

I think that as I detox... and believe me I am (starting today hardcore) I will be able to feel what I need more. Coming back into this I was eating so "unclean" that I really do not think I could tell what my body needed or wanted... I just knew what it did not want (but somehow craved).

There are a couple other goals I have (besides weight loss). I want to start up a study group that will talk about food and the ethical, spiritual, physical, etc parts of eating. I believe that this will help me to find a group of people (again) who I can share and find support with. I also just find myself wanting to study different subjects with other people.
I also am looking for a nutritionist or some other person who can help me on my path. An expert who I can look to to help me navigate an area of my life that is pretty rough sometimes. That I use to cope, I use to comfort, and I use to stuff pain. It is all more complex then eating healthily for me. And I need someone to help me hear my body when all the other stuff is screaming so loudly I can not hear. I found someone I was interested in talking with and hope that I can work something out to be able to see her. There was one women in the Houston area that I was interested in looking into as well. But, I am afraid a couple things about her made me want to keep looking. I do not know if I want a "raw foodist" or not. I am kind of just leaving it up to God to help me find the right person. He certainly has helped me find the right people for other areas. So, I can trust and wait and see what comes along.

I want to post a picture.
I have to say... I have been working hard on changing my life, but I have also gone through a lot emotionally in say the past year. It was the kind of year that you survive, which is sad knowing that it was the first year of my beautiful son's life. I guess the first year of Astrid's life was hard too. But, I am really feeling like it was all stuff that I needed to go through to get the healing that I needed to move forward and let go.

I have had many revelations about food and why I hold onto the weight. And my friend Kelly has been a huge inspiration and eye opener for this. I realized, one time with her, that I held a lot of tension, etc in my belly. I hold onto hurt, anxiety, burden... right in my belly. I have to learn to let that go. Let go of the hurt and the energy that I hold there. Kelly will tell me it is something I do not need to protect me any more. It served its purpose and now it can go.
I know that there is a lot of hurt I have learned "to eat" mainly from 2 major relationships in my life. And I need to feel that hurt, set boundaries so that I can release it and not protect myself or "eat" the emotion. It will be a hard road. I have so much to learn, so much to understand. But I want to keep trying. I do not want to give up.

Happy 2009 blog. I have gained 10 lbs. And I feel pretty bad. Lets work on this thing together. K?

New Blog

Flat Living
My new blog is about more than raw foods... it is about raw foods and so much more.
Read on.

Will I keep this blog? Yes. I will use it to chronicle my weight loss. And probably raw recipes, etc. Things pertaining more to just raw foods and food addiction. But now I have a place to blog about everything else that is going on in my life.

Talk soon,
Kathy

Mothers Day Weekend

Day 9 +1.5 RAW 245.5 lbs
4.5 + lbs lost


Week recap
Last week was a good "easing into it" week.
I was not 50% raw. And on the weekend, I was very high cooked.
I actually lost weight over last week, put it back on the weekend and took it back off again yesterday (80% raw). (I am sure some of the gain was just water from a salty meal).

Mothers Day
It was mothers day weekend and a good friend of mines mom died on Mothers Day.
Mothers Day is always hard when you have lost your mom, so this just made it really hard and really emotional. I have been trying to register my feelings and how they correspond to the way I eat. It is hard to register something that in a lot of cases seems to be so mindless. This was a good test and I started to learn something from it.

When I felt sad or stressed or like I did not know what to do emotionally, I did recognize a pattern in me. I felt like giving up. I felt like just not caring. I felt like it just did not matter. Kind of a passive, "oh well". And I think a lot of the time I feel overwhelmed by my feelings, by my anxiety, and I say "oh well, it does not matter, eat whatever, give up." This is not the only area that I give up in. But it is a pretty major one. And I believe the other ones are all linked.

What does this mean?? Where does it come from?? I do not know.

On mothers day I was a bit frustrated because Vyk had asked his mom what she wanted to do for mothers day and she said she wanted to go to this mexican restaurant that is close to our church. I immediately knew it would be hard for me to eat there. And I got immediately upset that Vyk did not think about me. But I also decided that it was done, and really I would hate for Vyk to have to pick between what I wanted (which would most likely not make his mom happy) and what I wanted. So, I opted to go and make the best of it. When I got there I had just heard the news that my friends mom was probably going to dye soon and I was hungry and stressed because I had just had the fullest day back to work since I had the baby. I had planned on having either fresh guacamole with tortilla chips (on my yes list) or a taco with fresh avocado, cilantro, peppers, etc. But when I got there they did not have fresh guacamole and the taco did not sound good all of the sudden. I wanted the cheese enchiladas. This sucks, I thought resenting the fact this was hard for me, I wanted to enjoy my meal for mothers day. So, I got the cheese enchiladas. And then I got sopapias, which strangely I feel less guilty about then the enchiladas. I think mainly because it was just a treat and really an occasional treat is not my problem.

I left feeling let down. I did not enjoy the meal. I immediately was asking myself "why did you not think you were worth eating the best foods?" "Why is 'treating yourself' a losing situation... why could you not treat yourself with foods that nourished you?" I had a plan and I did not stick with it. I said, "oh well". And I can say it was this persons fault or that if this or this was different... but, the truth is. I was overwhelmed by emotion and that is when I gave up.

I don't know what to do with this realization. To be honest with you, I feel very sad about it.
I feel like I am realizing that I do not stand up for myself to myself. I make a decision to act like I am not worth it. I start believing that I am not worth it. And that is very sad, I am hurt. And as much as I was upset for Vyk not thinking about me, and standing up to do the right thing for me. I do that all the time to myself.

The other thing worth mentioning is where I feel all of this physically. I feel it in my stomach.
Anxiety = holding it in my gut = feeding my gut = carrying it in my gut
I guess I hold my anxiety and do not release it.
Which is why Yoga is so key for me. When I am doing deep belly breathing I can feel it releasing this. More yoga is key to my success. I should probably do it daily. Until I learn to stop holding onto the anxiety and emotions.

So it prob sounds like I had a bad mothers day. But, I did not! I had a good mothers day. I enjoyed my sopapias! Mainly I enjoyed the honey, hmmm! I enjoyed the time with my family and Vyk's mom. I enjoyed my daughter (Oh I could gush on this one), I enjoyed my son (Oh you have no idea how lucky I am). I enjoyed my time with my grieving friend and her dying mother. I know this sounds strange, but it was oddly healing for me to walk with her through this. I guess it is nice to have the objectivity. I enjoyed being at church and starting back to work. I enjoyed looking cute in my new red dress. Last week I took some time and $ (something I rarely do) to care for myself. I shaved my legs (had not done it since Gus was born), I painted my toe nails (same), I bought myself a new dress (same), I bought myself some lovely balm and lip gloss that fall under the category of 'natural enough to eat', I set up a mommy and me yoga session, I took a long bath and I just took care of myself a little, got the angela stokes e book, and the raw emotions one from a friend. I guess it was my way of giving myself a mothers day gift. And it felt really good.

I have to learn to see treating myself in a new light and in a new way.
I have to learn to not hold my emotions.
I have to learn to see myself as worth not giving up

I am on the path, keep walking... I will learn.