Breakthrough #1

BREAKTHROUGH #1

I have been having a hard time with food.. no doubt about it...
And at first I just thought it was kind of a needed break from the year long raw foods journey and the strict end to my pregnancy trying to reverse the pre eclampsia. Kind of a whew, that is over, kind of relax a bit. Plus I of coarse have not been able to prepare food which makes things very difficult. But as this month progressed and the spiral of eating went out of control I had some breakthroughs that got to the heart of what was REALLY going on and why I was eating in a way that was destructive.

Here is an exert from an email to a friend and from a friend... I am putting it here so that I will remember the thought pattern I was being trapped with and also the encouraging words of a friend. The words from a friend are the kind of words you would be lucky to get one time in your life. Amazingly, I am surrounded with people who encourage and build me up in this way constantly! Thanks friends!

To get you up to speed... we are talking about breastfeeding problems and she had suggested that the problems might be fear based...

You are so right on track, Kelly. I don't know about the preeclampsia... other than same song second verse same as the first.
But, from the start I am so afraid for things to turn out the way they did with Astrid and what is happening??? Same as Astrid.
I keep finding myself believing there is something wrong... that my body maybe just can not make the milk... and this is confirming it. I am confirming my fear instead of proving it wrong.
But I KNOW it is not true (in my head/ heart). If I could not make milk I just would not make milk... I am making milk, just not enough. So, yeah I do see exactly what you are saying.
It is just hard to overcome these kinds of under the radar thoughts. The Le Leche League help I got seemed to do the most good. And talking with other moms. Just generally getting encouragement.
"You can do it. You do not have a supply problem. It is going to happen, keep trying." The only way to overcome the negative thoughts is to replace them with positives. Am I right? And prove to myself that I can do it.

I have to confess another weird and lie/ fear based thought pattern. In the back of my head, I do not trust the raw vegan diet Kelly. I do not trust that it is enough. that it is healthy and will provide me with what i need to feed my baby and myself... and what is so sad is I am eating very unhealthfully. I guess it is just all the other information around us it is counter intuitive. And in the hospital I had a doc ask me about being vegan and I felt myself being defensive and kind of lying. Like well... I am kind of vegan. Like I was ashamed or worried that they would not understand that the baby could get enough. It brought a lie that was in my head to the surface for me ... I thought, why are you doing that?

Because of this thought pattern and because of convenience factors. I do not feel like I have the time to eat healthily and care for the baby and so I am opting for Vyk just grabbing something for me over prepping food... going grocery shopping. I have not gone grocery shopping since I had the baby. Which I guess is understandable, but I have to break the pattern.

I also think on some level I rebelled against my body. This is actually making me teary so I am hitting a nerve. I tried so hard to eat healthy and loose weight and not get preeclampsia. And I am mad. Mad at my body, myself, my midwife, the doctor. Who else? Vyk probably... I can always find reasons to blame him (uggh). Mad and rebelling. I tried to eat healthy and it did not work. Oh my goodness, is that what I am really thinking? It is KELLY! Can you believe I am doing this to myself? I am punishing myself/ my body! I am really crying!
And in the mean time I am not listening to God and what God talked to me about so long ago. When I think about how my thought process was so close to God and how God was just constantly revealing himself to me those first days , weeks, months, of raw food. I can remember the place of trust. And I really want to find it again.

How do I heal, feel the anger, move on and stop feeling sorry for myself?
I know that you are such a good friend because I am able to reveal these ugly lie based thoughts in TRUTH to you and bring it to the light to heal. Thanks for drawing it out and just going there with me.

Then here is her response:

I hear you. I hear your hurt, and your fear. I hear the lies and the pain, and I see you are on a journey to healing. :)

Here’s what I want you to know: You were made to have babies, and to nourish them. You were made to make milk. Knowing it may not be enough, though. You’ll have to find a way to accept it. :) Sort of like grace, it doesn’t do the flesh much good if we don’t accept the blessing of it...if we keep ourselves in chains, then we’re still helpless. There’s enough grace for you, for Vyk, for the midwife, the Dr.’s, nurses and so on.

I heard another thing about God recently that I loved...basically it was that you don’t need to prove there’s a God, He just is. I think that’s why His love is so mysterious and lovely...because we don’t have to prove ourselves to Him, we just are...and He knows us. I only say that because you said you need to prove to yourself you can make milk, and the true case is: you do, and you are capable to make more...and you are responsible enough to make sure your baby is getting what he needs.

None of this has anything to do with the raw vegan diet, to me. Truthfully, you’re not on it right now, so it wouldn’t be a good time to decide if it worked or not for milk. Heck, I don’t know either! I do know rest, and lots of water help. I also know there is a tea or an herb you can take, but I think you are on it. Seems visualization would help, after he latches on, imagining waterfalls...like the Niagara magnitude baby! Still, I think getting a remedy is worth mentioning again. It can help you unlock the mental/emotional trauma that is keeping your body from producing. I’ll also mention this for you to take or leave: When I went through a wreck of issues the last few months (since being pregnant) I noticed my body craved eggs and cheese. It was intense. God unlocked my issues (isn’t it always our own issue? GEESH!) and threw them all before me like a slideshow...there was responsibility I had to take for my choices, and the cravings went away! Same pregnancy, same girl.

THAT SAID...and trying not to inject myself too much into this amazing thing God is doing with you...I want to encourage you: You don’t have to be a raw vegan. There are many raw vegans who say that living 100% is not for everyone. I personally don’t know how I feel about this because to me I feel like it can be for the majority, but I also think to be a raw, you have to be ready to be raw in every sense, and to face all the things we’ve been stuffing down and not wanting to feel. That is what I found out on my few years journeying to raw-ness. I’m not totally raw now, but I can tell you I don’t have the obsession with eating like I did before. That was a “long hard road, with a good, good end” (to borrow from Waterdeep, one of my favorite songs). Every step of the way was emotional warfare, but it was worth every pain. In the end, I learned my responsibility in many things, and I truly began to be able to repent and turn away from self-destructive, relationship-destructive behavior. AND...it’s not over, and it won’t be until the end, when I am given my new, perfect body. Until then, try to remember, which I have to remind myself from time to time...of all the things you LOVE about the recipes you fell in LOVE with! They are delicious! They are a treat to the body, mind and soul. They are FREEDOM. Add them back in where you can, and try not to feel like it means you have to be totally raw. Remember what it feels like to LOVE yourself and treat the body God gave you with love and dignity. Remember the truth about food: You are what you eat. I’ve found as hard as I try, there’s no denying it. Our body turns our food into energy to be used to grow and nourish or traps it as toxic poison to protect itself. Either way, it turns into us. This is the idea I am trying to hold in my thought as I eat what will become the baby! Both now and later! It’s what I’ve been talking to the kids about religiously lately. Seems like all we ever talk about is honesty, trust, love and choices...along with some funny stuff :P...but I think it’s good. HARD, but good.

Another thing I’ve learned just this year, just this past Lent...is that most of the things I have found myself angry about was because I had an expectation of how it should be, and I was disappointed. I think I’ve talked to you about this before. I’ve really had to go back and apologize, mostly to God and Mark and myself and the kids, about the high level of expectations I had on both. How could I be so bold to set standards for God anyway? And how can I set expectations on an animal (Mark, Noelle, Gabe), or anything else? Nowadays, I let the kids know what I expect behavior-wise, which helps, although I have to totally be able to expect that they will fail, just like I do. This has really helped me to take responsibility for my own choices and actions, which has been hard and empowering. Not just to me, but to all of us! And how freeing! Now God is free to work His miracles as He sees fit (not that He wasn’t, but in my mind I’ve let him out of the box), and Mark is free to pursue himself at his own pace, and the kids are free to be kids and I am free to love and take it all in!! At least, that’s how it would be in a perfect world...I am still battling these expectations, they are sneaky! I only tell you all this because you asked how you can heal, and maybe this journey I’ve been on will help, or maybe it will just be comforting to know that someone else has recently been through the wringer! Which brings to light another truth...you are already on the healing path, and God is revealing Himself to you right now, raw food or no. :) You are already changing.

But above all this.... Above all that I could encourage or say or do or pray for you as a friend who loves you lots and lots... Seek God. Look within, and know He’s there, a better friend than I am, and a lover to boot. :)

See I told you.. good stuff... not so pretty stuff... but I am so glad I have a friend like this to process my ugly stuff with. You can see why I wanted to put it here so I can look at it whenever I need encouragement or to see where I come from over the next year or so.