New Low & Breakthrough #2

NEW LOW
BREAKTHROUGH #2

So last week I went to a weekly dinner at a friends house. Everyone there knows that I am vegan and try to eat healthy. I did not bring much food like I usually do since I am not really able to prepare much. The main dish was chicken chile enchilada ish and there was a plate of veggies and a lot of fruit and some cornbread.

I have been having meat here and there and def have had cheese, cheese and more cheese. But instead of eating the chile chicken dish I ate some corn bread and some veggies and fruit.
I had not eaten any lunch that day because it was my first day trying to go into work and I concentrated on feeding Gus and getting the meetings in.

SO... on the way home from my friends house.... I am soooo hungry. Now, remember, I would not have been this hungry if I was eating better. This is a low blood sugar not eating well hunger. I weigh the options... going home and eating (no groceries in the house), eating at a healthy place (nothing open/ two sleeping kids in the back), or ... MC DONALD'S.
Well, I chose mc donalds and as I pulled up and ordered... giving in to temptation anyway... I decided I wanted a Quarter Pounder w/ cheese and fries and a sprite and I just went the full mile.

I went home and ate and it tasted well... like something you eat not to be in LOVE with food but to be fed. I ate and felt guilty, I ate and felt shame. I had a moment of a new low.
I thought about what I had done.. to keep up appearances... to hide... and I realized I had a problem.

I called Vyk crying and told him...
"It is like if an alcoholic went to a party where everyone knew they were in recovery. His friends (without the same problem) were drinking a bottle of wine and he obtained. On the way home, he stopped at the nearest liquor store and got a pint of vodka."

Isn't that exactly what it is like? How is it any different?

I mean if you want to have a chicken enchilada more power to you. Certainly a million times better for you than a quarter pounder. And even if you want a quarter pounder, go for it... but the guilt and shame and hiding that I sunk to is really the problem. Uggh! And it shows me... that I just am not like other people with no food issues. I had to face the ugly facts in the face... if left to my own devises I am unhealthy with food, I am addictive with food. I eat for reasons other than nourishment. And I have to break the cycle or I will end up dying like my mom did or worse.

I am so ashamed of myself. The last thing I wanted to do was put it here where everyone can see.. and that is exactly why I am doing it.

I read a friends blog last night and she had a picture of a tree trunk that looked just like a person face down in the dirt. She called it "violent" I believe... and that is the image I have in my head of this moment. The fall before you pick yourself off and dust off your knees and face the sun again. The embarrassing, shameful fall. Here for all blogdom to see.