Valley of Baca

2010-01-07T00:25:00.002-05:00

Bodies matter to God. Matter matters. Until we can proclaim that wondrous truth, ecology will be a sideline in our pastoring and preaching, our theologies and liturgies ... Wetlands and rivers, wheat fields and dough rising, people dancing in the aisles and people sleeping in the streets of our cities. Matter matters to God.
- Barbara Lundblad, from her sermon "Matter Matters"

I have been having a decent time as a vegan the last week. I have not been super strict, I have tried really hard. The last few days I have eaten out more then I planned which is almost impossible to be 100% vegan with... but I did pretty good. I definitely am not taking in the amount of greens I would have liked to the last couple days. So I will try harder tomorrow and Friday to get them in. I was getting a pretty good cleansing just from the greens because I had started eating some meat the last bit prior to the New Year. This is what I wanted with this first "gear" to just get my body under control and start undoing the damage of my "backslide". My blood sugar is just not as good as it will be when I am higher raw and take away bread. But it is a start. When my blood sugar is low I get more headaches and am hungrier esp at night it is the kind of thing that makes it really hard to eat right with. You crave sugar because your body says "I need sugar, give me food!" All part of the cycle that I need to break. That gets easier the more raw I do.

I am really proud of myself for just kind of feeling my way thru it and I seem a little less worried about food and relaxed about doing this. I feel really good about myself and I am happy to be eating HEALTHIER and am not bogged down with perfectionism. Good example is a visit to the mall yesterday. My daughter & brother wanted to get ice cream and as we walked over I braced myself. The idea of ice cream sounded so good, I was headed for a major cheat that would set off a chain of food cravings and be a major trigger. I thought I would look and see if they had a sherbet and have it just so I would not feel deprived but feel like I was not going back on my NY resolution. I looked at the sherbet, the ice cream, the cone. I spent time really thinking thru what I wanted. I realized I was thirsty. So I decided to get a bottle of water and see how I felt. I gave myself permission to order the sherbet if I wanted to after I drank the water... water down... I TOTALLY did not want the ice cream, the cone, the sherbet. Success.

I have been looking into eating disorders and weather I have a clinical eating disorder. I refer to myself on this blog as a food addict. Which gets a little confusing because this blog (about food) could be considered obsessive... so I'll think am I just being "unhealthy" in this blog. BUT I realized some things...

Here are the symptoms of Compulsive Overeating:

I am going to put an X for "no not me", a ? for "maybe", a Y for "yes" and U for "used to in my teens/ kid years".

X Fear of not being able to control eating, and while eating, not being able to stop.

? Isolation. Fear of eating around and with others.

U Chronic dieting on a variety of popular diet plans.

U Holding the belief that life will be better if they can lose weight.

X Hiding food in strange places (closets, cabinets, suitcases, under the bed) to eat at a later time.

? Vague or secretive eating patterns.

Y Self-defeating statements after food consumption.

U Blames failure in social and professional community on weight.

X Holding the belief that food is their only friend.

Y Frequently out of breath after relatively light activities.

Y Excessive sweating and shortness of breath.

? High blood pressure and/or cholesterol.

N Leg and joint pain.

Y Weight gain.

Y Decreased mobility due to weight gain.

Y Loss of sexual desire or promiscuous relations.

Y Mood swings. Depression. Fatigue.

Y Insomnia. Poor Sleeping Habits.

I believe (although I reserve the right to change my mind) that I have at some point had many of these symptoms I esp remember my mom having them and I remember doing some of these behaviors when I was younger. BUT, looking at this I feel like I have made progress at least emotionally so maybe that will lead to success this time around.

When I think about what keeps me from being a healthy weight and having success with weight loss I feel like it is mostly about giving up. I think I do tend to self medicate with food. But, mostly it is that I feel overwhelmed and I do not want to think about it and it feels easier to just eat whatever.

I also think that the SAD diet creates an environment for me that leads to an unhealthy cycle with food. Here is my cycle:

Stress = Tired = Overwhelmed with life = Not taking care of myself = Not planning meals, grocery shopping, or even thinking about food until I am hungry = low blood sugar = grabbing whatever I can to just eat.

It is a passive inaction. A letting things slide. A letting things happen to me mode.

Which I guess is kind of messed up.

More work to do. whew.

On a more positive note

2010-01-02T11:33:00.003-05:00

Day 2 - 1st gear

I have already lost 3 lbs.

When I weighed in this morning I was

268.5 lbs. (- 3 lbs)

I will not weigh everyday because I do not want to get obsessive. But it is good to see (and I looked back thru the blogs to see it too) how quickly this weight can come off.

I am not even doing raw. I just committed to basically vegan with greens and I am already dropping what is most likely water weight.

I do feel myself going back to raw easily. Even with not officially starting the "raw phase" I probably did at least 50% yesterday. I did have a headache last night which I would attribute to caffeine withdrawals and maybe low blood sugar. I feel a little better. Although it does heighten why raw is best for me because the cooked meal from yesterday left me feeling the most hungry. Go figure.

I did not post everything I ate yesterday so I am going to go correct that on my food blog.

Keeping myself accountable is the only way to stay on target with this.

Love to the Blog.

The big weigh in

2010-01-01T11:19:00.004-05:00

THIS SUCKS!

There is no two ways about it.

I will try not to dwell on it but I needed to face it.

MY WEIGHT!

I have not stepped on the scale since my last post.

Lets go ahead and call it denial. If I do not see it, it is not true.

But lets face it here and now on this first day of Jan 2010!

Day 1

1st gear

weigh in

271.5 lbs

OK now it is done. There is no looking back and no doubt that this is all needed.

LOVE to me even in my imperfect state.

Plans for 2010

2009-12-31T16:11:00.004-05:00

My facebook status update said

" Why do forgotten blogs and new years resolutions go hand and hand?"

So here I am at my long forgotten but dearly loved Blog updating my journey and some radical plans.

◰ ◱ ◲ ◳ ◰ ◱ ◲ ◳ ◰ ◱ ◲ ◲ ◳ ◰ ◱ ◲ ◳ ◰ ◱ ◲ ◳ ◰

So far 2010 and my plans for it has three phases. I'll think of it as driving in, 1st, 2nd, 3rd gear.

1st GEAR (Jan 1-16th)
Vegan again w/ high greens (green smoothie and a fresh green salad a day).

2nd GEAR (Jan 17th- Feb 16th)
There is a Cure for Diabetes (80% raw, 20% whole grains and rice plus cooked veggies, low glycemic index foods).

3rd GEAR (LENT - starts Feb 16th -ash wed thru Easter)
Juice Feasting

The Plot thickens

2009-12-31T15:36:00.004-05:00

Plotting a new course. Or reconfiguring for the mistakes that were made and still moving forward despite feeling it might be all for nothing. That is my goal for the year.

The past 2 years, since Gus' birth and really my pregnancy I have had a rough time.

My husband and I hit a rocky patch to say the least. We almost did not make it and I am not being figurative here. We almost did not make it out of it as an intact family. A lot of painful things happened. And the grief and feeling that I was JUST coping was overwhelmingly what had to be focused on. I survived the last couple of years, that is all. I did not flourish, did not excel, did not live... I feel like I just survived. It is really easy to get stuck in that mode of living... but my husband and I both have worked unbelievably hard and we have managed to not only stay afloat but to reconfigure our lives to be happier and happier every month, one day at a time.

I started entering what I called my "healing phase" recently. I made some MORE bold and radical steps towards happiness by quitting my job and trying to craft a life where I would have the ability (at least for as long as needed) to focus on healing.

For anyone who has taken the time to look at this blog. It would be easy to understand that that need to focus on healing would ultimately lead me back here... to this blog, to physical healing, emotional healing. Healing in one of the main ways I COPE that is unhealthy.

So it is time to go here.

I have been preparing. I got the book "There is a Cure For Diabetes" by Gabriel Cousins about 6 months ago. When I started reading it... it was so hard to read. It was like an alcoholic picking up a book on how to get sober. I had to pick it up, read for a while and put it down just to digest it all the while grieving the last couple years.

Finally during Christmas (after I had made some decisions about my job and had refocused) I started feeling less overwhelmed when reading it. As I read it during Christmas (finally getting to the chapters on what he "prescribes") I finally was feeling like I might be entering a time when I can finally take on this mountain of an issue with me.

I decided to go about it the way I had succeeded in the past but also to look at my failures.

I decided, based on that, to take this thing in stages. Egged on by some sections in the book about "moderation" and how moderation is a death sentence to someone like me. It clicked and I felt like it registered to me as truth. It is like telling an alcoholic to moderately quit drinking. OR telling a smoker to cut down. When something is killing you, you don't slow it you stop it.

His recommendation still scares me. I am just not sure I can do it.

I know I CAN be high raw for a good length of time. I know I can do 50% raw and live like that.

I know I can because I have done it. BUT he recommends his program (21 days 80% raw) and IF you still have weight to loose... he recommends juice feasting! Juice Feasting! Seriously, that is the one thing I would have said I could never do or would never do. BUT, I said that about raw foods too. How committed are you to your health? From what he says, juice feasting is the way to get rid of obesity. It is the way to ultimately do the radical healing that needs to happen for someone like me.

So... I move on... to making a plan.

It is New Years Eve. I looked at the calendar, I prayed, I've read.

And I have a 3 phase plan based on my life and on what has motivated me in the past.

The plan... I know you want to know about it... fair warning, it is radical.

I promise myself

2009-01-23T19:02:00.002-05:00

I have had a crazy week. Really, really crazy and really stressful. And what sucks is it effects me.
Stressful home life = not caring for myself = not caring what I eat.
I have not been horriable but I promise you I have eaten more and cared less because of stress.
It is an active act to be inactive with my food choices. At least for me... it is passive agressive behavior which is not healthy in any way shape or form. I am guilty of this.
So here is what I promise myself...

I promise to weigh myself in the morning and post it here.
I promise to reconstruct what I have eaten since the last post on my food journal to the best of my ability.
I promise to continue to post even when I am ashamed of what I am eating (it is a hidden blog so it is only me who is accountable).
I promise to not let stress derail me from taking care of myself.

One Week Raw - check in

2009-01-10T12:50:00.005-05:00

One week raw
242.5 lbs
(-2.5 lbs )

Having the food diary has helped. Looking back at the last week, I have had a vegan "sweet" almost every day! I did not plan this... just did it. When processed sugar & flour are my top things to stay away from... the fact that it is vegan does not really excuse it. I tend to use that as an excuse.
But being loaded with sugar & flour is actually worse for me (food addiction wise) then being loaded with butter... I just need to remind myself of that.

The other thing I noticed was after eating 100% raw all day yesterday and then eating a whole hunk of cooked mexican food last night was that I felt sooooo hungry after the party... which is kind of the opposite of how I should have felt after eating the largest meal. I was really hungry this morning as well... blood sugar even a bit low.

But overall I am happy with the first week back on "the wagon" after such a long hiatus.
I am proud of myself. I feel a lot better. I did a bit of detox... more to come. And I felt "clean" most days. Looking back at this blog I see... as long as I keep trying I will move forward.

Food Diary

2009-01-10T01:51:00.005-05:00

I know that I need to keep a food diary in order to succeed with my food goals.
I have learned this the hard way... I need to hold myself accountable.
I also have a friend who is going to be my accountability partner.

I know that if I write down what I eat I will loose weight and stay motivated... when I stop I usually end up stopping my plan.

So I was trying to find the best way to chronicle it without...
A> putting it here.. because no one really needs to read ALL that.
B> making it time consuming or complicated (so I do not do it).
C> having an unorganized bunch of info.

I explored a couple different ideas.
1. Another private blog on blogger
2. Twitter feeding to this blog
3. this application called "twitt what you eat"

I settled on a high bred of 1 & 2.
I like having twitter on my blog... it is kind of cool to get a glimpse of what I am eating without pages of food on the blog. And so I added to both my new blog (private) and this one.
That way I can try to keep a running tally and then update the food journal at the end of the day or week by organizing it.

I hope it will work well and keep me on track.
Might take some slight tweeking, but I am excited to have an organized food journal.

Check this out

2009-01-09T09:54:00.002-05:00

I looked back at this blog last night. I was just looking at what I was doing right or wrong where I succeeded and failed. It is really helpful to have this 2 yr log of what I have been doing (with some breaks).

LOOK at this:
(written Christmas Eve 2006)

I want to do 100% raw tomorrow
I want to start a garden this new year (as soon as it is not possible to freeze)
I want to sell my car, I regret buying this new car.
I want to sell our house.
I want to live smaller, when everything around seems bigger and bigger.
I want to live so small, it is almost invisible.
I want to make room for Christ in our lives, in our living.
I want to live for Christ.
I want to help my dad more, maybe have him live with us.
I want to loose it all and live for what is real.
I want more time with my husband for the new year.
I want less stuff.
I want more quality.

Wow! while some of those things I still have not accomplished, I have accomplished some of the big ones. AND, I am almost in shock about the house! I can not believe I was so bold as to put that one out there and then do it! It took 2 years, but still. Good to see and think... maybe those 100 goals will be realized at this high of a rate!

Detox

2009-01-08T23:25:00.002-05:00

Tonights conversation...

me - uggh
v - I think we might have some immodium or pepto around here somewhere.
me - no, the idea is to let it all go, not give it a friend so it will stay longer.

2009

2009-01-07T22:26:00.003-05:00

Welcome back Blog
I have spent a lot of time at my other blog only to return back to you.
I need this blog. This is the blog that helps me with my biggest addiction, food.
It keeps me on track, it holds me accountable.
It asks me my weight without insulting or judging.
It praises me when I loose or make a triumph or breakthrough.
It is a support to me (as those who know me read and cheer me on).

We have some goals you and I, some goals this year to accomplish.
I am ready.
I am sick of feeling bad about food & myself. Sick of feeling bad physically.
Sick of the flushed skin, slow digestion, blood sugar flux & weight that I WAS NOT born to live with.

Here it goes. Again. Keep trying til you succeed.
__________________________________________

Day 5 Raw
255 lbs.

I have been doing close to 50% raw.
My main goals have been to do 2 raw meals and one cooked & vegan.
I want to keep track of what I am eating (in a detailed way) .. I need to find away to do that (posting here is kind of cumbersome).

Other main goal starting back up is to have 1 green smoothie or green juice daily & 1 green salad daily. For now I am just keeping everything simple and trying not to put too many rules on it.

I think that as I detox... and believe me I am (starting today hardcore) I will be able to feel what I need more. Coming back into this I was eating so "unclean" that I really do not think I could tell what my body needed or wanted... I just knew what it did not want (but somehow craved).

There are a couple other goals I have (besides weight loss). I want to start up a study group that will talk about food and the ethical, spiritual, physical, etc parts of eating. I believe that this will help me to find a group of people (again) who I can share and find support with. I also just find myself wanting to study different subjects with other people.
I also am looking for a nutritionist or some other person who can help me on my path. An expert who I can look to to help me navigate an area of my life that is pretty rough sometimes. That I use to cope, I use to comfort, and I use to stuff pain. It is all more complex then eating healthily for me. And I need someone to help me hear my body when all the other stuff is screaming so loudly I can not hear. I found someone I was interested in talking with and hope that I can work something out to be able to see her. There was one women in the Houston area that I was interested in looking into as well. But, I am afraid a couple things about her made me want to keep looking. I do not know if I want a "raw foodist" or not. I am kind of just leaving it up to God to help me find the right person. He certainly has helped me find the right people for other areas. So, I can trust and wait and see what comes along.

I want to post a picture.
I have to say... I have been working hard on changing my life, but I have also gone through a lot emotionally in say the past year. It was the kind of year that you survive, which is sad knowing that it was the first year of my beautiful son's life. I guess the first year of Astrid's life was hard too. But, I am really feeling like it was all stuff that I needed to go through to get the healing that I needed to move forward and let go.

I have had many revelations about food and why I hold onto the weight. And my friend Kelly has been a huge inspiration and eye opener for this. I realized, one time with her, that I held a lot of tension, etc in my belly. I hold onto hurt, anxiety, burden... right in my belly. I have to learn to let that go. Let go of the hurt and the energy that I hold there. Kelly will tell me it is something I do not need to protect me any more. It served its purpose and now it can go.
I know that there is a lot of hurt I have learned "to eat" mainly from 2 major relationships in my life. And I need to feel that hurt, set boundaries so that I can release it and not protect myself or "eat" the emotion. It will be a hard road. I have so much to learn, so much to understand. But I want to keep trying. I do not want to give up.

Happy 2009 blog. I have gained 10 lbs. And I feel pretty bad. Lets work on this thing together. K?

New Blog

2008-10-21T17:20:00.004-04:00

Flat Living
My new blog is about more than raw foods... it is about raw foods and so much more.
Read on.

Will I keep this blog? Yes. I will use it to chronicle my weight loss. And probably raw recipes, etc. Things pertaining more to just raw foods and food addiction. But now I have a place to blog about everything else that is going on in my life.

Talk soon,
Kathy

Mothers Day Weekend

2008-05-14T01:02:00.004-04:00

Day 9 +1.5 RAW 245.5 lbs
4.5 + lbs lost

Week recap
Last week was a good "easing into it" week.
I was not 50% raw. And on the weekend, I was very high cooked.
I actually lost weight over last week, put it back on the weekend and took it back off again yesterday (80% raw). (I am sure some of the gain was just water from a salty meal).

Mothers Day
It was mothers day weekend and a good friend of mines mom died on Mothers Day.
Mothers Day is always hard when you have lost your mom, so this just made it really hard and really emotional. I have been trying to register my feelings and how they correspond to the way I eat. It is hard to register something that in a lot of cases seems to be so mindless. This was a good test and I started to learn something from it.

When I felt sad or stressed or like I did not know what to do emotionally, I did recognize a pattern in me. I felt like giving up. I felt like just not caring. I felt like it just did not matter. Kind of a passive, "oh well". And I think a lot of the time I feel overwhelmed by my feelings, by my anxiety, and I say "oh well, it does not matter, eat whatever, give up." This is not the only area that I give up in. But it is a pretty major one. And I believe the other ones are all linked.

What does this mean?? Where does it come from?? I do not know.

On mothers day I was a bit frustrated because Vyk had asked his mom what she wanted to do for mothers day and she said she wanted to go to this mexican restaurant that is close to our church. I immediately knew it would be hard for me to eat there. And I got immediately upset that Vyk did not think about me. But I also decided that it was done, and really I would hate for Vyk to have to pick between what I wanted (which would most likely not make his mom happy) and what I wanted. So, I opted to go and make the best of it. When I got there I had just heard the news that my friends mom was probably going to dye soon and I was hungry and stressed because I had just had the fullest day back to work since I had the baby. I had planned on having either fresh guacamole with tortilla chips (on my yes list) or a taco with fresh avocado, cilantro, peppers, etc. But when I got there they did not have fresh guacamole and the taco did not sound good all of the sudden. I wanted the cheese enchiladas. This sucks, I thought resenting the fact this was hard for me, I wanted to enjoy my meal for mothers day. So, I got the cheese enchiladas. And then I got sopapias, which strangely I feel less guilty about then the enchiladas. I think mainly because it was just a treat and really an occasional treat is not my problem.

I left feeling let down. I did not enjoy the meal. I immediately was asking myself "why did you not think you were worth eating the best foods?" "Why is 'treating yourself' a losing situation... why could you not treat yourself with foods that nourished you?" I had a plan and I did not stick with it. I said, "oh well". And I can say it was this persons fault or that if this or this was different... but, the truth is. I was overwhelmed by emotion and that is when I gave up.

I don't know what to do with this realization. To be honest with you, I feel very sad about it.
I feel like I am realizing that I do not stand up for myself to myself. I make a decision to act like I am not worth it. I start believing that I am not worth it. And that is very sad, I am hurt. And as much as I was upset for Vyk not thinking about me, and standing up to do the right thing for me. I do that all the time to myself.

The other thing worth mentioning is where I feel all of this physically. I feel it in my stomach.
Anxiety = holding it in my gut = feeding my gut = carrying it in my gut
I guess I hold my anxiety and do not release it.
Which is why Yoga is so key for me. When I am doing deep belly breathing I can feel it releasing this. More yoga is key to my success. I should probably do it daily. Until I learn to stop holding onto the anxiety and emotions.

So it prob sounds like I had a bad mothers day. But, I did not! I had a good mothers day. I enjoyed my sopapias! Mainly I enjoyed the honey, hmmm! I enjoyed the time with my family and Vyk's mom. I enjoyed my daughter (Oh I could gush on this one), I enjoyed my son (Oh you have no idea how lucky I am). I enjoyed my time with my grieving friend and her dying mother. I know this sounds strange, but it was oddly healing for me to walk with her through this. I guess it is nice to have the objectivity. I enjoyed being at church and starting back to work. I enjoyed looking cute in my new red dress. Last week I took some time and $ (something I rarely do) to care for myself. I shaved my legs (had not done it since Gus was born), I painted my toe nails (same), I bought myself a new dress (same), I bought myself some lovely balm and lip gloss that fall under the category of 'natural enough to eat', I set up a mommy and me yoga session, I took a long bath and I just took care of myself a little, got the angela stokes e book, and the raw emotions one from a friend. I guess it was my way of giving myself a mothers day gift. And it felt really good.

I have to learn to see treating myself in a new light and in a new way.
I have to learn to not hold my emotions.
I have to learn to see myself as worth not giving up

I am on the path, keep walking... I will learn.

One day at a time

2008-05-09T02:55:00.009-04:00

Day 5 +1.5 RAW

I bought (or actually re bought) Angela Stokes ebook for weight loss.
Check that one off my list.

I knew I needed it from the things I had processed the last few weeks.
I want to work through the steps she lists and do it here, so watch for that.

In reading the ebook again which uses some of the principles of OA (overeater's anonymous), I am struck by how much I needed this information. The ebook was I think about $13 and it echoes so much of my struggles it is almost unreal. When I was reading I would think back to this blog and my journey and think "check, check, and check". I also was amazed that God has led me here. Again, I just feel the overwhelming sense that this was not at all an accident. Placing the right information right in my lap even if it took me a while to open it and dig in.

I also spent time tonight posting on Angela's forum at rawreform.com. Angela talks about having accountability partners and support, which I fully have in my "ladies of the cacao". But I also would love to find someone who would serve as a accountability partner. Someone who has struggled with the same issues. She talks about sharing your meal plans, etc with this person daily and being held accountable. Who knows, but maybe God has that mapped out as well. I plan ,and have in the past, used this blog for that purpose. But lets face it when I start sliding I stop posting. ;) We have all figured that out, huh?

The other thing I did tonight was update my blog to reflect the correct weight along the journey. As I walked back through it and remembered my successes and failures and saw the amazing journey I have undertaken, it really floored me. I wonder what is in store ahead? It feels very doable to be down below 200 lbs (for real this time) very soon! I have done it before I can do it again. I saw the way I did it. Setting goals and working hard towards them.. one day at a time. Here I am in day 5 + a yr and a half. Amazing!

The way I'de treat a friend

2008-05-07T00:55:00.006-04:00

Day 4 +1.5
RAW

I am a good friend.
And I like to think I am good at encouraging my friends. I take the time to speak words of encouragement intentionally to those around me.

But how do I encourage myself? Do I speak the same words and do the same caring for me that I would for a friend?
Now, do not get me wrong... I have not joined the Oprah movement of putting yourself first isms. I do not believe that is how it works.

BUT, I do think it is important to care for yourself.

SO here is my list of things that I will do for myself as I journey towards health.
I am not going to predefine the milestones... but when I reach what I feel is a milestone I will pick something on this list and do it for myself. It is all about encouragement.

Angela Stokes E Book How to go Raw for Weight Loss
Skin care good enough to eat
Vegan with a Vengeance
Great haircut
Ani Phyo's Ani's Raw Food Kitchen
Y membership / yoga classes
Manicure/ Pedicure
Gabriel Cousens There is a Cure for Diabetes
Bike and Baby seat
Angela Stokes Raw Emotions
Clothes
Angela Stokes E Book Revealing the Physical Changes

Food to LOVE LOVE

2008-05-06T00:05:00.005-04:00

Day 2 +1.5
RAW

Food to love and that loves you.
The double love.
If you are what you eat and you love what you eat, then it should love you back, right?

I was struck while watching this video with the girls comment at the beginning about "you should have a love love relationship with your food and not love/ hate ". It got me thinking... what if you just only ate foods that were love without the love/ hate? What would those foods be to me?

I am making a list of yes foods.
This list is here to bring freedom, not restriction.
It is here to create boundaries so that I can thrive inside them.
And with this list come the knowledge that I will stay listening to God and being tuned into my body as well.

All raw foods - at least 50%

water
herbal tea
almond milk

Cooked foods- under 50%
veggies
rice long grain
pop corn
gluten free / spelt pasta
potatoes
rice cheese
sprouted bread
rice cakes
corn tortilla chips

Fresh Start

2008-05-05T23:11:00.024-04:00

FRESH START
05/05/08
Day 1 + 1.5 yr

Here is my start photo
one year plus a baby after the real start

Lets take stock:
Weight:
250 lbs

I actually only gained 6 lbs since I got pregnant- I have the right to smile at that
I have no idea what this weight is compared to my starting weight because of the scale trouble. Just know my other entries are wrong and I guess lets start again. (I fixed it)

Measurements: (I am adding this because of the scale fiasco - insurance policy)

Hips- 58"
Waist- 53"
Thighs- 46.5"
Lt arm- 15.5"
Chest- 49"

Best laid plans

2007-08-14T23:05:00.001-04:00

Pregnant
Week 7

I am having a pretty rough time of it. I would not be telling the truth if I did not come on here and blog about it. I am pretty down as far as raw foods and my plans for a raw pregnancy have been usurped by pretty bad nausea. I feel like I am on an upswing, but it has been pretty bad. I have not thrown up, but have instead had non stop nausea all day... I am having a hard time eating anything or convincing myself to eat anything and this makes it worse.

I have a few things that sound good and are raw or at least super healthy.. but much of what my diet used to be is sounding awful. Esp sweet fruit and greens. The worst offender is pineapple... I had a whole incident with a pineapple and I will just say pineapple will not find it's way into my grocery cart for a while. I used to love it, not anymore. Along with the naseau, I have had random loss of energy. With Astrid I got really sleepy at 8 pm, which lasted through my pregnancy... I was just an early to bed type girl... pretty easy to plan around. With this one, I am fine and then BOOM... tired. It can hit at anytime during the day and USUALLY is only remedied by an hour or two nap. Then I am OK again. But, it can hit at noon, 2, 5... whenever... no rhyme or reason. Down for the count.

I wish I could blog that I have been 80% raw, but I have not even been vegan... I have been having cheese and sugar has been creeping in too. Which just makes me feel not so good... I will try not to feel guilty...

Good food I am happy with
1.) Vegetable soup with Quinolla (I put a lot of greens in since raw greens are making me so unhappy)
2.) Calcium Chocolate Shake

Raw Cacao (loaded with Calcium and antioxidants
Banana (not too ripe or it makes me sick)
Black strap molasses (loaded with Calcium and Iron)
Almond Butter (High calcium and protein)
A little bit of greens (not enough to taste... I am sneaking it in... like I do with kids)
Almond milk (Calcium)
Ice

3.) 365 day whole foods sesame seed bar (big calcium and protein source) I will buy a whole box this week. I am craving the sesame.

So, I still have not found the right balance... but, it is getting to be managable and I am going to do better and better. I keep telling myself I will re evaluate once I get past the first trimester.

I have found a prenatal vitamin with lots of herbs that seems to be helping... and I am happy to sip the pregnancy tea. I also have found some ginger candies that are helping a lot.

Midwife... FOUND
I found the Midwife and went to a visit with her last Saturday... I got an official though likely to change due date of March 21st and am officially in my 7th week... making my last entry wrong.. in case you are keeping track. Midwifes name is Chris Duffy and she gave me a great book called Eat to Live which is a great pro raw vegan starting point. I think I will always recommend this book from now on when people ask me how to start. It gives great reasons to eat vegetarian, vegan and raw. And lets you decide how healthy you want to eat. He makes a good case for raw... so add it to your book shelves immediately.

Weight disaster
Actually, speaking of keeping track... I have some sad news to report. At the visit to the midwife I was weighed and my suspicions about my scale were not only realized but exceeded by a whole lot. My scale at some point has been cheating me. And even though I am trying not to get disheartened... I am sad to report I weigh as much right now as I thought I did when I started this whole raw foods journey.

Now, this just means that I really weighed a whole lot more than I really did when I started...
But it is enough to make me want to cry that I am still so far away from being anywhere near 200 lbs... and with a baby on the way I will most likely not realize that goal for a lot longer.

The scale said 244 ... my scale at home that AM said 208. Now given the fact that the 244 was later and with clothes on, etc... I think we are looking at a 32 lb difference! UGH! I know please feel the pain of this with me. But, here is the good news. It also means that when I started raw foods I was closer to 272 instead of the 240 I listed... and I think we can breathe a sigh of relief that I am not still that heavy. Update- I updated the blog to reflect this!

I had a few moments of doubt where I actually thought I had not lost a lb and it all had been a scale mishap to think I had worked it off.... my dear husband was quick to remind me.. that it was not a scale mishap... he has seen it fall off. So, that made me feel a lot better.

I need to adjust all of my weight on the blog from now to then... But, I do not think I am strong enough just now... UGH! Can I pay someone to come in and change my weight for the entire journey? (Finally did it)

So, needless to say the scale went in the trash and I am going to be searching for a new one.
One to help me record this pregnancy as well as the weight loss that will follow the new babies arrival.

New Goals for a NEW LIFE

2007-07-24T00:52:00.001-04:00

Day 166 Raw
Week 5-6? Pregnant
234 lbs

Well, I ended the detox (did 100% raw- added nuts since I was pregnant and hungry).
I did not beat the 200 lb mark, but considering the baby.. I am cutting myself some major slack!
Since then I have had lots of energy... but I am feeling like my body is at work and sometimes I just need to rest and rest well.
I have felt really hungry. So, I am trying to listen to my body without overeating. Balance!

I went to Chuy's with friends on Sunday, and ate a big cooked meal which I have to say tasted great! I enjoyed it and did not feel too stuffed, which is weird. I was tired afterward though... cooked corn will do that to me. But even that day everything else was 100% raw. I am back to my 80% raw norm... raw all day and a 50% dinner or higher. That feels right for now.

I had some mild nausea on Saturday which I had to just keep nibbling to keep off. But Sunday was pretty rough nausea... all day. But, I never vomited or anything... And today I had none at all.

I had a little cramping... and started worrying, but then I remembered that it normal. It has been a while. One of the midwives I am interviewing, when I told her it had been 6 years since my last birth.. said "Do not worry, your body remembers!" Isn't that good? She got extra points for that.

I am going to look back at this blog and see if I can get an exact date of my last period. I know it is around the 15th... but I think it was about a week after. Which would make my due date about March 28th. My birthday is March 13th and our anniversary is March 2nd, so that would be pretty cool! Vyk really wants for the baby to have been conceived 7-07-07! :) I think it was a little earlier, but ya know. I need to get one of those baby growing things for my blog that shows how big the baby is now. That would be pretty cool. Astrid keeps asking how big the baby is, and tiny is only going to cut it for a few more weeks. She needs to know more. I think I will go look at our local used book store and see if there is a book for kids on fetal growth and development, or something more fun and story like would be good. Hey, I will just make up a story... that is even better!

Here is the big question. Will I blog my weight for the entirety of my pregnancy? For peats sake, why not? It will probably be good for me.

Day 4 IS HARD

2007-07-19T19:12:00.001-04:00

Day 161 Raw Day 4 Diva Detox Wednesday
235

Well, after I blogged yesterday, such a glowing report... here is what happened... taken from an email to my group:

Well after that glowing report this morning about my energy levels... I took a fast dive soon after. I was suddenly super hungry so I had a green smoothie (spinach and banana)... I ended up having to lay on the couch and I eventually took kind of a cat nap... Astrid talking to me most of the time. Anyway.. I just got so hungry or my blood sugar got low or something. Maybe the watermelon followed by the banana. I ended up not finishing the normal second glass... it tasted too sweet. I just wanted water and to lay still. I started feeling a little better... like actually getting up and suddenly my body started CRAVING... really, specifically, coconut chips... larger dried coconut. I wanted the texture and the taste both. Luckily, I had some. And I had it. I think this might be off limits of the detox since they want you to avoid fatty fruits like avocado. But, I think my body needed it... or something. So, that kept me OK for a while... but it has just been an up and down day. I have had high energy and then suddenly no energy! I really have been tempted by things I have not been tempted by for a while... like chips that I let Astrid get (I COULD HAVE JUST ONE! BUT I DIDN'T) and I really wanted nuts... just to end the hunger. I guess I am not eating enough... calories. But, I also am not terribly interested in food until I am really hungry and then it all goes down hill.

Then tonight I start getting dull pain in my back (like Kidney area)... strangely this is my glimmer of hope.... detox now in my kidneys. It actually excited me.
Am I crazy... well, it is what I am holding on for... it was kind of a rolling pain (not bad) and I think it is already gone!

I am about to leave for small group. I just had a whole lot of watermelon and I made a beautiful salad to go alongside the spaghetti that everyone else will eat. I am just worried with my body being in a craving messed up mode... the bread and spaghetti are going to be hard to turn away. I will be able to do it, I promise I will DO IT! It will just suck, and that is not the attitude I want to have about what I am doing. SO>>> I am going to go and give it my all!

I am allowing myself some pine nuts on the salad since I really think I might need it (in my current state).

OK so that gets you current to today.
When I woke up I stepped on the scale and it showed 2 lbs of weight loss!!! That makes everything worth while!

Even so, today was a hard day. Not as hard as yesterday, but hard. I go up to work on Wednesdays for staff meeting... where they passed around kolaches and donuts TWICE. The smell was just killing me... I had a green smoothie for breakfast (pears, mango, cilantro and spinach) and it really helped. I made an entire vita mix container full. And packed half for while I was up working... I brought strawberries and coconut chips too. So after I ate the strawberries I was good. Energy seemed better til the evening when I really just dropped off. I wanted to get a lot done after Astrid went to bed, but alas I kind of napped on and off and rested til about midnight.

Strategies for detox

2007-07-14T18:19:00.001-04:00

Day 157 RAW 237 lbs.

And at 6pm which is about 40 minutes away I am starting my first ever fast from food. I never could do this before because of blood sugar stuff. Granted it is only a day. Then, 6 more days of detox, just fruit and veg. Exciting.

I am within sneezing distance to my under 200 lbs goal which felt like it might not be attainable a whole lot of times to me. Now, I KNOW I can do it and I am planning my celebration when I do.
Haircut and maybe a manicure / pedicure.

I am going to make myself a green smoothie just to get me into the spirit of the thing before I start the fast. I am a little worried about my big work day (sunday) being my fast day. It is not exactly a day of rest for me. So, that makes me more than a little apprehensive. But on the plus side I will be busy and will not be focusing on food. So, that will actually help a lot. By the time I am done with church in the evening, it will be time to eat something.

Strategies for the detox:

Watermelon- I have noticed that when I feel hungry Watermelon helps curve my appetite. I have a half a watermelon and I also bought some honey dew (my fave) and Cantaloupe.

RAWvolution Hummus- (I am allowing this) I am also whipping up some veg based dressings for salads. This is the hardest part.

Mono eating- I am just going to eat a fruit or veg until I do not want it anymore... then onto something else... I will let you know how this works for me.

GREENS- I am going to make sure I get PLENTY of greens. Green smoothies in the AM and PM most likely.

So, there we go. I am going to try to "move" daily... but I am also going to allow for detox symptoms and plenty of rest.

I am really wanting a rebounder all of the sudden. I feel like I can work it in so easily to my day.
Maybe that should be my reward? I do not think I can afford one just now... except a cheap one, that I do not think will be the same.

Here's to the detox... better go make my smoothie before it is 6 o clock!

Goal one accomplished!

2007-07-12T23:36:00.001-04:00

Day 173 RAW
237 lbs

I have been without a computer. Which drives me a little crazy. But, I now am back and I have saved up blogs... so, I will post a bunch all at once to catch up on all that has happened.

The weight loss says it all. I quickly dropped the added weight that had tried to work it's way back. I told that weight that it had to go. That I had already asked it to leave, and I also told it to take it's friends with it!

I AM HEADED FOR GOAL #2 in rare form and with a great 7 day detox program pumping me up. I am actually going to fast for a day. Something I would have sworn I could not do! Then I am going to eat fruit and veg (as the brit Diva's I am listening to would say) for 7 days and see what comes of it. GOAL #2 (under 200 lbs) here I come!

What have I been doing to regain my weight loss. I have been eating 80% raw. Yeah, I know, if you have read along it might make you want to kick me. But, hey. I am threw beating myself up for the set back. I am on my way past set back and onto success. :)
Want to join me? Try and keep up!

7 Day Raw Divas 7 day Detox http://www.therawdivas.com/7daydetox.html

Positive Spot

2007-07-02T11:35:00.001-04:00

Day 163 Raw 247 lbs

I find myself in a super positive spot.

Lots of things are finally going well... and even though some of it is fate... at least some of it is where I have placed myself or better yet... where God has placed me because of some patient obedience on my part. I am not taking credit where we all know I should not... but, the truth is I need to acknowledge the fact that when I am good to myself it reaps happiness and it reaps God being pleased and that reaps a really beautiful spot to be in. I've said it before and I will say it again... GOD IS GOOD!

So, what am I talking about?
What good has come. Glad you asked.
I had gained weight back and I had gotten up to 225. But, now I am back to this raw food lifestyle and I am back down to 215, which is not the lowest I have weighed on raw foods... but, I am on a roll and I am determined.. so watch out I will be under 200 before a few weeks going the way I am.

Also, professional success. And in a way that most people would not call professional success. But, since my work is more than work... or at least that is how I look at it... my success has to do with dealing with problems... communications.. being faithful and obedient to God in what he has called me to do... not waivering through a rough spot... and not doing what I wanted to do when times got tough... just doing what God asked and that was it. PRAYER saved the day when this topic is of concern. I am excited to say it. Prayer works so well when it comes to conflict. So, I will keep it up.

Plus I just finished a kids camp. This is my second year doing the camp which is our version of VBS. Last year this was the thing that helped me realize I was being asked to do more with this group of kids. After I finished I was exhausted, but so energized and excited and filled up. This was a big indicator of what was purposeful for me. SO, this year... check in time... so filled up so in love with serving in this way.

I will post a poem I wrote soon too, that is all about all of the above God stuff.

Also, my Aunt is in the hospital. My Aunt Dorothy, my name sake. She is my mothers closest sister, they were so close. And she (just like my mom) has undergone triple bypass. Strangely this is not setting me back into a place of grief... I am not reliving this and being thrown backwards.. this is pulling me into a beautiful spot of healing.

My aunt looks just like my mom. She has a look on her face just like my mom did... fear, uncertainty, distrust in the medical system. I am surprised she did the surgery.. since she had told me she never would. She has had a stroke (just like my mother before her) right side paralyzed.

So, when I visit her it is beautiful... I am not at all sad. I am scared... but I have this beautiful objectivity... I love my Uncle and my cousins and they are hurting and worried and I identify and see it for what it is in all of it's loss of control... and I am healed.

And better yet, I have this feeling about my aunt... I think she is going to do it. I think she can make it. I believe she can be the first Troubaugh women to make it through this surgery.

And my faith in her, is helping create and build a faith in myself. That I can beat the diseases that ravages the small bodies of the women in my family. I can strive to beat diabetes, heart disease, and obesity. I am not ready to die at 65, that would make me middle aged right now! I have more life to live than that! If my heart is the thing that takes me out of this world... I want it to be with me fighting and kicking all the way.

When I talked to my husband about all of this... this is about where he stopped me. He said... well, you are going to go when God has decided, not when you have decided. Very true. But, here is where I broke through some barriers. What was God intentions with my body? God' s intention was that I be small... I have already blogged about this. If my creator thought I should be a "large women" He would have given me the frame for a large women. But, He did not. He gave me the frame for a small women. And he did the same thing for my mom and my aunt and all the other women in my family.. including my beautiful daughter. So, what is God's intention for my body as far as how long I should live? How long my mom should have lived in her body? Over 65? I think so. Now, all of this being said I believe in life after death... so I know God's intention for her keeps going. But, my point is... if I can live a little closer to what God intended for me here... I will be happier, and have a better quality of life... I will live more of the life God has for me here. And I am planning on it.

HERE ARE THE GOALS
My goals have shifted from nice cushy feel good goals to let's get down to business goals. Mainly because I had lost focus from when I started this on the reality of my situation. My aunt is helping me see that again. I HAVE TO LOOSE WEIGHT. The sooner the better.

So my first goal is to get to the lowest I have been since October of last year when I started this... and that is 208.

My second goal is to get under 200! And I want to do that ASAP.

My third goal is to go to the Women of Ecclesia Retreat a much smaller person. This is the retreat that I went to right before I started raw foods. It will be my year marker. So, whatever a much smaller person means, that is my goal. That gives me about 3 months. And while I know realistically I will not be half the person I was. That would make me about 120. I think I could be about 180 realistically. Which would be pretty awesome.

Then my next goal will be set after the retreat again ... which would fire me up and get me ready to tackle the next 40 lbs!

OK Blog. Hold me to it!

OH, crap! I forgot to say that my husband hit me yesterday with the fact that he wants to do this with me. He wants to eat raw. So, I will blog more on that progress too... but later... time to go dehydrate and make some lunch.

40 Days and Temptation

2007-03-29T22:21:00.001-04:00

153 DAYS RAW
240 lbs

I did not mean to fast from this blog for Lent. But we are headed towards Palm Sunday and I have not posted.

My Lenten Fast from shopping has been successful except in one area. I broke it pretty early on and have struggled with it almost daily... eating out. It is here in black and white on the blog "including eating out" but I have rationalized why that was the one thing that did not count.

I read in Lauren Winner's Voice of Matthew this week about the 40 days Christ spent in the desert... about his temptations and posed the question to friends "have you ever thought about why those three?". Bread was just the first one.. and I failed that one right away. And though I managed to maintain no shopping... It feels silly. I managed to not buy anything I did not need. Is that really giving anything up? Guilt finds it's root and once it is there that is how Satan really works his way in.

Another Lenten practice I have had is a mid week communion. It follows my staff meeting so it is nothing but convenient. The bread and wine there for the taking, forgiveness a little more regularly to make up for the fact that I am a little more conscious of my sinful nature... my need for forgiveness. My weakness in saying no to temptation. My strength in him.

And this seems to be the point. So maybe it is not a coincidence that I have struggled so much over Lent with my Raw Foods lifestyle. That I have cheated and failed. Maybe it is no coincidence that as I am closer and closer to his death and resurrection, I find myself able to tackle the no eating out and renew my commitment to raw foods.

And as I think it through tonight while laying still to get my daughter to sleep.. I find myself with thoughts of my mother... sadness... grief. I am giving blood to a friends father who is struggling with cancer tomorrow. This brought some of it. But why so much sadness? Then I realize... I am nearing my mom's d day. Oh!

And with this date approaching I have to commit to myself to get off the 9 lbs that hold me from being under 200 lbs. I have to commit to myself to post on this blog daily. I have to commit to myself that I will post menus, and seek accountability. I will challenge the comfort zone I have fallen into, the excuses I have made. Accept my weakness and ask for Christ's help in conquering sin and death in this very visible way... the visible way that is around my mid section. ;)

Plateau ended

2007-02-01T15:18:00.001-05:00

Day 97
RAW

240 lbs.

Wow! I lost 2 lbs. The day after my little revelation from yesterday. I lost weight. Why am I not at all surprised? Pretty Cool!

Which came first emotional or physical breakthrough? Or are they just so tied together it is hard to know. So linked.

Whatever the case, God is leading me down an unbelievable path towards healing for both.

Hooray!

I can not wait for my 100 day RAW retreat with friends. That will push me even farther to healing.