Mothers Day Weekend

Day 9 +1.5 RAW 245.5 lbs
4.5 + lbs lost


Week recap
Last week was a good "easing into it" week.
I was not 50% raw. And on the weekend, I was very high cooked.
I actually lost weight over last week, put it back on the weekend and took it back off again yesterday (80% raw). (I am sure some of the gain was just water from a salty meal).

Mothers Day
It was mothers day weekend and a good friend of mines mom died on Mothers Day.
Mothers Day is always hard when you have lost your mom, so this just made it really hard and really emotional. I have been trying to register my feelings and how they correspond to the way I eat. It is hard to register something that in a lot of cases seems to be so mindless. This was a good test and I started to learn something from it.

When I felt sad or stressed or like I did not know what to do emotionally, I did recognize a pattern in me. I felt like giving up. I felt like just not caring. I felt like it just did not matter. Kind of a passive, "oh well". And I think a lot of the time I feel overwhelmed by my feelings, by my anxiety, and I say "oh well, it does not matter, eat whatever, give up." This is not the only area that I give up in. But it is a pretty major one. And I believe the other ones are all linked.

What does this mean?? Where does it come from?? I do not know.

On mothers day I was a bit frustrated because Vyk had asked his mom what she wanted to do for mothers day and she said she wanted to go to this mexican restaurant that is close to our church. I immediately knew it would be hard for me to eat there. And I got immediately upset that Vyk did not think about me. But I also decided that it was done, and really I would hate for Vyk to have to pick between what I wanted (which would most likely not make his mom happy) and what I wanted. So, I opted to go and make the best of it. When I got there I had just heard the news that my friends mom was probably going to dye soon and I was hungry and stressed because I had just had the fullest day back to work since I had the baby. I had planned on having either fresh guacamole with tortilla chips (on my yes list) or a taco with fresh avocado, cilantro, peppers, etc. But when I got there they did not have fresh guacamole and the taco did not sound good all of the sudden. I wanted the cheese enchiladas. This sucks, I thought resenting the fact this was hard for me, I wanted to enjoy my meal for mothers day. So, I got the cheese enchiladas. And then I got sopapias, which strangely I feel less guilty about then the enchiladas. I think mainly because it was just a treat and really an occasional treat is not my problem.

I left feeling let down. I did not enjoy the meal. I immediately was asking myself "why did you not think you were worth eating the best foods?" "Why is 'treating yourself' a losing situation... why could you not treat yourself with foods that nourished you?" I had a plan and I did not stick with it. I said, "oh well". And I can say it was this persons fault or that if this or this was different... but, the truth is. I was overwhelmed by emotion and that is when I gave up.

I don't know what to do with this realization. To be honest with you, I feel very sad about it.
I feel like I am realizing that I do not stand up for myself to myself. I make a decision to act like I am not worth it. I start believing that I am not worth it. And that is very sad, I am hurt. And as much as I was upset for Vyk not thinking about me, and standing up to do the right thing for me. I do that all the time to myself.

The other thing worth mentioning is where I feel all of this physically. I feel it in my stomach.
Anxiety = holding it in my gut = feeding my gut = carrying it in my gut
I guess I hold my anxiety and do not release it.
Which is why Yoga is so key for me. When I am doing deep belly breathing I can feel it releasing this. More yoga is key to my success. I should probably do it daily. Until I learn to stop holding onto the anxiety and emotions.

So it prob sounds like I had a bad mothers day. But, I did not! I had a good mothers day. I enjoyed my sopapias! Mainly I enjoyed the honey, hmmm! I enjoyed the time with my family and Vyk's mom. I enjoyed my daughter (Oh I could gush on this one), I enjoyed my son (Oh you have no idea how lucky I am). I enjoyed my time with my grieving friend and her dying mother. I know this sounds strange, but it was oddly healing for me to walk with her through this. I guess it is nice to have the objectivity. I enjoyed being at church and starting back to work. I enjoyed looking cute in my new red dress. Last week I took some time and $ (something I rarely do) to care for myself. I shaved my legs (had not done it since Gus was born), I painted my toe nails (same), I bought myself a new dress (same), I bought myself some lovely balm and lip gloss that fall under the category of 'natural enough to eat', I set up a mommy and me yoga session, I took a long bath and I just took care of myself a little, got the angela stokes e book, and the raw emotions one from a friend. I guess it was my way of giving myself a mothers day gift. And it felt really good.

I have to learn to see treating myself in a new light and in a new way.
I have to learn to not hold my emotions.
I have to learn to see myself as worth not giving up

I am on the path, keep walking... I will learn.

One day at a time

Day 5 +1.5 RAW


I bought (or actually re bought) Angela Stokes ebook for weight loss.
Check that one off my list.

I knew I needed it from the things I had processed the last few weeks.
I want to work through the steps she lists and do it here, so watch for that.

In reading the ebook again which uses some of the principles of OA (overeater's anonymous), I am struck by how much I needed this information. The ebook was I think about $13 and it echoes so much of my struggles it is almost unreal. When I was reading I would think back to this blog and my journey and think "check, check, and check". I also was amazed that God has led me here. Again, I just feel the overwhelming sense that this was not at all an accident. Placing the right information right in my lap even if it took me a while to open it and dig in.

I also spent time tonight posting on Angela's forum at rawreform.com. Angela talks about having accountability partners and support, which I fully have in my "ladies of the cacao". But I also would love to find someone who would serve as a accountability partner. Someone who has struggled with the same issues. She talks about sharing your meal plans, etc with this person daily and being held accountable. Who knows, but maybe God has that mapped out as well. I plan ,and have in the past, used this blog for that purpose. But lets face it when I start sliding I stop posting. ;) We have all figured that out, huh?

The other thing I did tonight was update my blog to reflect the correct weight along the journey. As I walked back through it and remembered my successes and failures and saw the amazing journey I have undertaken, it really floored me. I wonder what is in store ahead? It feels very doable to be down below 200 lbs (for real this time) very soon! I have done it before I can do it again. I saw the way I did it. Setting goals and working hard towards them.. one day at a time. Here I am in day 5 + a yr and a half. Amazing!

The way I'de treat a friend

Day 4 +1.5
RAW

I am a good friend.
And I like to think I am good at encouraging my friends. I take the time to speak words of encouragement intentionally to those around me.

But how do I encourage myself? Do I speak the same words and do the same caring for me that I would for a friend?
Now, do not get me wrong... I have not joined the Oprah movement of putting yourself first isms. I do not believe that is how it works.

BUT, I do think it is important to care for yourself.

SO here is my list of things that I will do for myself as I journey towards health.
I am not going to predefine the milestones... but when I reach what I feel is a milestone I will pick something on this list and do it for myself. It is all about encouragement.

1. Angela Stokes E Book How to go Raw for Weight Loss
2. Skin care good enough to eat
   
3. Vegan with a Vengeance
   
4. Great haircut
   
5. Ani Phyo's Ani's Raw Food Kitchen
6. Y membership / yoga classes
   
7. Manicure/ Pedicure
8. Gabriel Cousens There is a Cure for Diabetes
   
9. Bike and Baby seat
   
10. Angela Stokes Raw Emotions
11. Clothes
    
12. Angela Stokes E Book Revealing the Physical Changes
    

Food to LOVE LOVE

Day 2 +1.5
RAW

Food to love and that loves you.
The double love.
If you are what you eat and you love what you eat, then it should love you back, right?

I was struck while watching this video with the girls comment at the beginning about "you should have a love love relationship with your food and not love/ hate ". It got me thinking... what if you just only ate foods that were love without the love/ hate? What would those foods be to me?

I am making a list of yes foods.
This list is here to bring freedom, not restriction.
It is here to create boundaries so that I can thrive inside them.
And with this list come the knowledge that I will stay listening to God and being tuned into my body as well.

All raw foods - at least 50%

water
herbal tea
almond milk

Cooked foods- under 50%
veggies
rice long grain
pop corn
gluten free / spelt pasta
potatoes
rice cheese
sprouted bread
rice cakes
corn tortilla chips

Fresh Start

FRESH START
05/05/08
Day 1 + 1.5 yr

Here is my start photo
one year plus a baby after the real start

Lets take stock:
Weight:
250 lbs

• I actually only gained 6 lbs since I got pregnant- I have the right to smile at that
• I have no idea what this weight is compared to my starting weight because of the scale trouble. Just know my other entries are wrong and I guess lets start again. (I fixed it)
  

Measurements: (I am adding this because of the scale fiasco - insurance policy)

• Hips- 58"
  
• Waist- 53"
  
• Thighs- 46.5"
  
• Lt arm- 15.5"
  
• Chest- 49"
  

What are you going to do about it?

So, what are you going to do about it?
Quit your belly aching. Pick yourself up child, dust off your knees. It won't be the first time you fall, nor the last.

It is so great to have this blog to look back at all the thoughts I had starting raw foods in the beginning.

I was just giving it a try. But also I was desperate for something to help me. I asked God for help and I was really trying to listen to what he was asking of me regarding food.

I believe whole heartedly what I learned in those early months. God's best for me is the best for my body and the best for the earth and the best for my community and my family etc. God's best is just the best. So if I trust that it gets me one step closer.

Also, I remember the love I had for the food I was eating. I never felt like I was eating less or withholding from myself. I actually had the sense of indulgence in the things that are pure and good. I Loved what I ate and had no guilt or shame because of it. I loved what I ate and it was freeing.

It is still hard for most people to understand why I feel freer on a raw foods diet. I guess it seems restricted. It is freeing in the sense that I can LOVE what I am commiting to have and it helps me keep the boundaries on the other stuff.. the stuff that tends to trigger addictive patterns in me. I lost the feeling of that freedom along the way and I really hope to get it back.

I feel like I am on the right track...
I decided what I needed to do was to start making steps back to the journey I was on.
Start to walk back towards the path of raw foods and caring about / taking responsibility for my body, ending denial, etc.

So I started:

• I bought a scale (I had thrown out my old one when I realized it was a good 30-35 lbs off)

• I took account of the obstacles (when you look at my blog and if you asked any of my friends you would see excuse #1 was grocery shopping. Once I missed a Friday grocery trip my weekend was shot and then usually my week.) So I called whole foods and asked about their personal shopper program. Apparently it is free and easy to join. I signed up and got my first round of groceries this past Friday (first whole foods groceries since I had Gus by the way).
  

• I worked through some of the issues I was having with Vyk that were keeping me from being successful. Plus stress equals stress eating, right?

• I made a meal plan that my family and I could be happy with.

• I committed to this blog no matter how hard it might be with a new born.

• I commited to eating 50% raw vegan for the next year and loosing weight (being accountable to my weight goals).
  

• I made a list of what I would eat over the next year.
  

• I started thinking of ways to exercise with a new born. (I asked for a bike and baby seat for mothers day).
  
• I went for a walk.
  
• I made a list of things I would do for myself to motivate and encourage myself the way I would a friend.
  

So let's get started. Actually I have already started... by the time I looked up from taking my steps toward the path I was on the path well ahead of my plan.

And I want to acknowledge before I start this journey again... that though I deviated... I still have come really far... it shows on the scale (I still, post baby, weigh at least 20-30 lbs less than I did when I started a year ago plus), it shows in my knowledge (I know so much more about raw foods then I did when I started and about me and what I need), in my spiritual growth, in my community of completely dreamy supporting friends, in my pantry, in my blog... ha!

New Low & Breakthrough #2

NEW LOW
BREAKTHROUGH #2

So last week I went to a weekly dinner at a friends house. Everyone there knows that I am vegan and try to eat healthy. I did not bring much food like I usually do since I am not really able to prepare much. The main dish was chicken chile enchilada ish and there was a plate of veggies and a lot of fruit and some cornbread.

I have been having meat here and there and def have had cheese, cheese and more cheese. But instead of eating the chile chicken dish I ate some corn bread and some veggies and fruit.
I had not eaten any lunch that day because it was my first day trying to go into work and I concentrated on feeding Gus and getting the meetings in.

SO... on the way home from my friends house.... I am soooo hungry. Now, remember, I would not have been this hungry if I was eating better. This is a low blood sugar not eating well hunger. I weigh the options... going home and eating (no groceries in the house), eating at a healthy place (nothing open/ two sleeping kids in the back), or ... MC DONALD'S.
Well, I chose mc donalds and as I pulled up and ordered... giving in to temptation anyway... I decided I wanted a Quarter Pounder w/ cheese and fries and a sprite and I just went the full mile.

I went home and ate and it tasted well... like something you eat not to be in LOVE with food but to be fed. I ate and felt guilty, I ate and felt shame. I had a moment of a new low.
I thought about what I had done.. to keep up appearances... to hide... and I realized I had a problem.

I called Vyk crying and told him...
"It is like if an alcoholic went to a party where everyone knew they were in recovery. His friends (without the same problem) were drinking a bottle of wine and he obtained. On the way home, he stopped at the nearest liquor store and got a pint of vodka."

Isn't that exactly what it is like? How is it any different?

I mean if you want to have a chicken enchilada more power to you. Certainly a million times better for you than a quarter pounder. And even if you want a quarter pounder, go for it... but the guilt and shame and hiding that I sunk to is really the problem. Uggh! And it shows me... that I just am not like other people with no food issues. I had to face the ugly facts in the face... if left to my own devises I am unhealthy with food, I am addictive with food. I eat for reasons other than nourishment. And I have to break the cycle or I will end up dying like my mom did or worse.

I am so ashamed of myself. The last thing I wanted to do was put it here where everyone can see.. and that is exactly why I am doing it.

I read a friends blog last night and she had a picture of a tree trunk that looked just like a person face down in the dirt. She called it "violent" I believe... and that is the image I have in my head of this moment. The fall before you pick yourself off and dust off your knees and face the sun again. The embarrassing, shameful fall. Here for all blogdom to see.

Breakthrough #1

BREAKTHROUGH #1

I have been having a hard time with food.. no doubt about it...
And at first I just thought it was kind of a needed break from the year long raw foods journey and the strict end to my pregnancy trying to reverse the pre eclampsia. Kind of a whew, that is over, kind of relax a bit. Plus I of coarse have not been able to prepare food which makes things very difficult. But as this month progressed and the spiral of eating went out of control I had some breakthroughs that got to the heart of what was REALLY going on and why I was eating in a way that was destructive.

Here is an exert from an email to a friend and from a friend... I am putting it here so that I will remember the thought pattern I was being trapped with and also the encouraging words of a friend. The words from a friend are the kind of words you would be lucky to get one time in your life. Amazingly, I am surrounded with people who encourage and build me up in this way constantly! Thanks friends!

To get you up to speed... we are talking about breastfeeding problems and she had suggested that the problems might be fear based...

You are so right on track, Kelly. I don't know about the preeclampsia... other than same song second verse same as the first.
But, from the start I am so afraid for things to turn out the way they did with Astrid and what is happening??? Same as Astrid.
I keep finding myself believing there is something wrong... that my body maybe just can not make the milk... and this is confirming it. I am confirming my fear instead of proving it wrong.
But I KNOW it is not true (in my head/ heart). If I could not make milk I just would not make milk... I am making milk, just not enough. So, yeah I do see exactly what you are saying.
It is just hard to overcome these kinds of under the radar thoughts. The Le Leche League help I got seemed to do the most good. And talking with other moms. Just generally getting encouragement.
"You can do it. You do not have a supply problem. It is going to happen, keep trying." The only way to overcome the negative thoughts is to replace them with positives. Am I right? And prove to myself that I can do it.

I have to confess another weird and lie/ fear based thought pattern. In the back of my head, I do not trust the raw vegan diet Kelly. I do not trust that it is enough. that it is healthy and will provide me with what i need to feed my baby and myself... and what is so sad is I am eating very unhealthfully. I guess it is just all the other information around us it is counter intuitive. And in the hospital I had a doc ask me about being vegan and I felt myself being defensive and kind of lying. Like well... I am kind of vegan. Like I was ashamed or worried that they would not understand that the baby could get enough. It brought a lie that was in my head to the surface for me ... I thought, why are you doing that?

Because of this thought pattern and because of convenience factors. I do not feel like I have the time to eat healthily and care for the baby and so I am opting for Vyk just grabbing something for me over prepping food... going grocery shopping. I have not gone grocery shopping since I had the baby. Which I guess is understandable, but I have to break the pattern.

I also think on some level I rebelled against my body. This is actually making me teary so I am hitting a nerve. I tried so hard to eat healthy and loose weight and not get preeclampsia. And I am mad. Mad at my body, myself, my midwife, the doctor. Who else? Vyk probably... I can always find reasons to blame him (uggh). Mad and rebelling. I tried to eat healthy and it did not work. Oh my goodness, is that what I am really thinking? It is KELLY! Can you believe I am doing this to myself? I am punishing myself/ my body! I am really crying!
And in the mean time I am not listening to God and what God talked to me about so long ago. When I think about how my thought process was so close to God and how God was just constantly revealing himself to me those first days , weeks, months, of raw food. I can remember the place of trust. And I really want to find it again.

How do I heal, feel the anger, move on and stop feeling sorry for myself?
I know that you are such a good friend because I am able to reveal these ugly lie based thoughts in TRUTH to you and bring it to the light to heal. Thanks for drawing it out and just going there with me.

Then here is her response:

I hear you. I hear your hurt, and your fear. I hear the lies and the pain, and I see you are on a journey to healing. :)

Here’s what I want you to know: You were made to have babies, and to nourish them. You were made to make milk. Knowing it may not be enough, though. You’ll have to find a way to accept it. :) Sort of like grace, it doesn’t do the flesh much good if we don’t accept the blessing of it...if we keep ourselves in chains, then we’re still helpless. There’s enough grace for you, for Vyk, for the midwife, the Dr.’s, nurses and so on.

I heard another thing about God recently that I loved...basically it was that you don’t need to prove there’s a God, He just is. I think that’s why His love is so mysterious and lovely...because we don’t have to prove ourselves to Him, we just are...and He knows us. I only say that because you said you need to prove to yourself you can make milk, and the true case is: you do, and you are capable to make more...and you are responsible enough to make sure your baby is getting what he needs.

None of this has anything to do with the raw vegan diet, to me. Truthfully, you’re not on it right now, so it wouldn’t be a good time to decide if it worked or not for milk. Heck, I don’t know either! I do know rest, and lots of water help. I also know there is a tea or an herb you can take, but I think you are on it. Seems visualization would help, after he latches on, imagining waterfalls...like the Niagara magnitude baby! Still, I think getting a remedy is worth mentioning again. It can help you unlock the mental/emotional trauma that is keeping your body from producing. I’ll also mention this for you to take or leave: When I went through a wreck of issues the last few months (since being pregnant) I noticed my body craved eggs and cheese. It was intense. God unlocked my issues (isn’t it always our own issue? GEESH!) and threw them all before me like a slideshow...there was responsibility I had to take for my choices, and the cravings went away! Same pregnancy, same girl.

THAT SAID...and trying not to inject myself too much into this amazing thing God is doing with you...I want to encourage you: You don’t have to be a raw vegan. There are many raw vegans who say that living 100% is not for everyone. I personally don’t know how I feel about this because to me I feel like it can be for the majority, but I also think to be a raw, you have to be ready to be raw in every sense, and to face all the things we’ve been stuffing down and not wanting to feel. That is what I found out on my few years journeying to raw-ness. I’m not totally raw now, but I can tell you I don’t have the obsession with eating like I did before. That was a “long hard road, with a good, good end” (to borrow from Waterdeep, one of my favorite songs). Every step of the way was emotional warfare, but it was worth every pain. In the end, I learned my responsibility in many things, and I truly began to be able to repent and turn away from self-destructive, relationship-destructive behavior. AND...it’s not over, and it won’t be until the end, when I am given my new, perfect body. Until then, try to remember, which I have to remind myself from time to time...of all the things you LOVE about the recipes you fell in LOVE with! They are delicious! They are a treat to the body, mind and soul. They are FREEDOM. Add them back in where you can, and try not to feel like it means you have to be totally raw. Remember what it feels like to LOVE yourself and treat the body God gave you with love and dignity. Remember the truth about food: You are what you eat. I’ve found as hard as I try, there’s no denying it. Our body turns our food into energy to be used to grow and nourish or traps it as toxic poison to protect itself. Either way, it turns into us. This is the idea I am trying to hold in my thought as I eat what will become the baby! Both now and later! It’s what I’ve been talking to the kids about religiously lately. Seems like all we ever talk about is honesty, trust, love and choices...along with some funny stuff :P...but I think it’s good. HARD, but good.

Another thing I’ve learned just this year, just this past Lent...is that most of the things I have found myself angry about was because I had an expectation of how it should be, and I was disappointed. I think I’ve talked to you about this before. I’ve really had to go back and apologize, mostly to God and Mark and myself and the kids, about the high level of expectations I had on both. How could I be so bold to set standards for God anyway? And how can I set expectations on an animal (Mark, Noelle, Gabe), or anything else? Nowadays, I let the kids know what I expect behavior-wise, which helps, although I have to totally be able to expect that they will fail, just like I do. This has really helped me to take responsibility for my own choices and actions, which has been hard and empowering. Not just to me, but to all of us! And how freeing! Now God is free to work His miracles as He sees fit (not that He wasn’t, but in my mind I’ve let him out of the box), and Mark is free to pursue himself at his own pace, and the kids are free to be kids and I am free to love and take it all in!! At least, that’s how it would be in a perfect world...I am still battling these expectations, they are sneaky! I only tell you all this because you asked how you can heal, and maybe this journey I’ve been on will help, or maybe it will just be comforting to know that someone else has recently been through the wringer! Which brings to light another truth...you are already on the healing path, and God is revealing Himself to you right now, raw food or no. :) You are already changing.

But above all this.... Above all that I could encourage or say or do or pray for you as a friend who loves you lots and lots... Seek God. Look within, and know He’s there, a better friend than I am, and a lover to boot. :)

See I told you.. good stuff... not so pretty stuff... but I am so glad I have a friend like this to process my ugly stuff with. You can see why I wanted to put it here so I can look at it whenever I need encouragement or to see where I come from over the next year or so.

Yes, I had my baby!

Introducing (2 months after the actual event)
August Aaron Yeager (Gus)
Born 2-25-08 at 4:05am
He is adorable and has kept me very busy... but I am more than happy to be kept.
The last two months have been filled with a lot of joy and I want to write about every coo, every touch, every almost smile.

I owe this blog a birth story. I am not sure I am even ready to write it, or that I have the time. But I owe an update for sure. A friend joked with me a month ago that my ticker on the blog was saying I had him and he was a month old. It never happens the way a prefab ticker would say, does it.

Here are the highlights:
I had him a month early
I had him at St Lukes Hospital instead of at home
I had pre eclampsia and that is why I was induced
I gave birth naturally (vaginally and without drugs) despite the odds
He was in the NICU at Texas Childrens for a week while his lungs fully developed and he started to thrive

Like I said more later. I just wanted to get this in here before I head off to the other blogs that I have planned.