A YEAR On the Journey

THEN AND NOW


I do not take many pictures. And the ones I do take... a lot of times I hate.
Just being honest. A friend just sent this to me... and I am struck with how good my skin looks. And remember, inflammation of the skin is an indicator of inflammation of the system. It indicates inflammation of everything... It is a forecaster of your entire body being off balance and in need of some real help. Constant inflammation is bad for your body and your heart!

This is pretty recent pic.. and this is a good check in, a year after I started raw foods, picture. When I look back... you can too... I am amazed. The change is subtle... I am not a fully different person. But, my skin and my presence are healthier. I am smaller, not hugely... but smaller still and I am pregnant! This makes me very happy. And, I am feeling great. This past week or so, I have just felt amazing. I know a lot of it is mental. This reflection helps me remember how far I have come and how far I am continuing to go even while the struggles are there. I am still persevering! I am stronger, healthier, and more ready to carry this baby then I would have been a year ago!
It makes me believe that I can do it, believe in myself and in my body to go the distance.

I know I have lost sight of all of this with the scale fiasco and the baby and nausea and imperfection and guilt. But I am gaining perspective again. I have come far and in a year I will have my baby and we will be eating raw/ vegan together! I will continue to loose weight as he/ she grows. In another year, I can easily set my sights on the below 200 lbs mark again... heck maybe new goals will be set and met so quickly. It is an ideal time to slowly loose when you are nursing. And after the baby is born I am almost 100% sure, I will have instant overall weight loss.
So go me!

I am Thankful for... my new baby

Pregnant
Week 23ish

THANKSGIVING
Thanksgiving weekend was divine.
On Thanksgiving day I woke up and almost had a bad day.

How can I explain these old habits and why I have such a hard time... one word... MOM. How Gen X of me to blame my mom for my own problems.

Unfortunately, my mom always had a big rage on holidays. Holidays were never happy in my family... and when we start getting ready for Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or other holidays... I do not fly into a rage but I do react similarly, yet different. I get very hyper critical of myself and project onto Vyk and Astrid and whoever is around. I try so hard not to, it is really a struggle and even though I conquered... it was not without some real struggles. I took a long bath and tried to really relax before the day began, which helped. I got a great team plan of action organized with Vyk which helped... but a couple times I slipped. And Vyk and I did argue because of it. But, we worked through it before the day really began and once I started cooking (or non cooking) with Astrid helping... I ended up having a great day! Not perfect, really better than perfect... which is not even close to perfect. My dad came, my friend came. Vyk and I loved on each other and on Astrid. James arrived as we began eating and really it was great! In the end, I actually had a relaxing day and it felt special and maybe even less stressful than a normal day off. Modest Success.

Food...
was an almost copy of last years menu. I was so happy to do it again.. and feel amazing after eating instead of tired and in a coma. I managed to eat about 50% raw, 100% vegan for the day. I continued last years after dinner walk tradition which is so great to react so differently to the day than the "norm".

I have to say... because looking back I am not sure I raved as much as I should have... The RAWvolution Stuffing is AMAZING! It is my favorite and easiest stuffing recipe EVER! I loved it. My family loves it too, and my friend could not believe it was not "real stuffing" with a grain of some kind.

RECIPES:
The salad I made this year was a little different. But I think it was a little better than last years. Great for Thanksgiving / Fall meal and simple.

Ingredients:

• Arugula
• Dried Cranberries
• Walnuts

Dressing: A Creamy Cranberry Vinaigrette

• Fresh Cranberries
• Pine Nuts
  
• Vinegar
• Cold Pressed Olive oil
• Sea Salt
• Ground Pepper
• Oregano

I AM THANKFUL FOR...

I went to Astrid's Thanksgiving meal at her school and her teacher had this great branch which had cut out leafs where all the children wrote "I am thankful for...". I searched the tree for Astrid's ever improving handwriting and soon saw a pink leaf with her distinct style. "I am thankful for... my new baby... ASTRID" How precious! She also was thankful for "friends" on another leaf. Her teacher, Ms Kitt, came over to me at some point and asked... "Did you see Astrid's leaf... I said yes... and she said when she saw it she was so happy for her and teared up a little. What can I say? I am so proud of my girl. She has been "working" so hard on being responsible. From her daily chart of things she is working on... that she takes care of to "practicing" with other smaller children who we are around. Tying shoes for friends siblings... taking special care of the babies of friends... extra gentle, extra careful, extra kind. She is getting it down and I know she has great plans for her new role in our family. Yesterday she kind of hit my belly when she was talking to me excitedly... she instantly said "OH, sorry baby" and hugged and kissed my belly. Not very worried about me, just that baby. ;)
My favorite is her night time ritual of reading "On the day you were born" to the baby. I bought the book the other day when we were buying books as a family... and placed it with the other baby things I am accumulating. Astrid takes it out and reads it to my belly, getting ready for her job of being the first person to read to the baby after birth. I tell her the baby can most likely already hear her and that the baby will recognize her voice when he/ she is born. They are already bonding, that is clear. And why not? They can feel each other.

Update Blog

Pregnant
Week 21ish
252 lbs

Well, it has been about 10 weeks since my last post. A lot has happened and I have a lot to write about. I have had several people ask about my blog... looking for an update which means a lot to me.

Pregnancy update
I have been feeling kicking since Sept 11th, but I have been feeling daily kicking for at least the past 5 weeks!
So exciting and unexplainable! This baby is beautiful!
At my midwife appointment about 5 weeks ago the midwife had some questions about dates... I might be a week or so further along then we originally thought... this would make me 23 weeks now. At the time, I had a little bit of panic because it meant I was almost half way and I felt like I needed to be ready if I was that close. I told my husband "If I am 19 weeks, that means we are almost half way... we only have shoes and a bib for the baby... YOU NEED MORE THAN SHOES AND A BIB FOR A BABY!" So I bought some bedding for the cradle we have... I bought some used baby clothes in all natural colors... and I bought some G Diapers, just to get me started in the right direction. I feel better when I look in the cradle with everything neatly folded. I am starting to get ready for this baby who is making him/ herself very felt in me. HAPPY.


HEALTH
The last time I went to see the midwife (1 week ago) she took my blood pressure and the bottom number was 99! I almost had a heart attack (not funny, I know) but seriously I was not happy. She took it again and got a very different 82 which is still a little high but no where near 99! Still, the blood pressure thing is worrying me. I had pre-eclampsia with Astrid and it kept me from doing things the way I wanted in a whole lot of ways. And this time, since my plans are home birth it would put a real disruption into plans for this birth. Even though I have no protein in my urine and my blood pressure has been a little elevated most of the pregnancy... I am understandably worried. There is no real evidence that diet and exercise can effect Pre- eclampsia. But, hypertension... we all know can be effected... so, I am just doing my best to eat well and walk regularly.

Astrid has been my personal trainer... I committed to walk with her, and she has held me to it and pushed me when we do go. We go around the track at the neighborhood park and she runs while I walk. She is so athletic. So unlike me when I was a child, or now. So unafraid to push herself. I am so proud of her. And so grateful for the roles we play as mother and daughter.

RAW FOOD STRUGGLE
So I have not hid the fact that eating raw foods during this pregnancy has been hard for me.
I have kind of processed what has happened... I believe that I had found healthy limits with raw foods. The limits helped me keep control of myself in an area that is hard for me to control. When I started having normal nauseousness and did not want raw foods... the limits were off and I ate what I wanted... bringing problems. I have managed to stay mostly vegetarian... but we all know you can be a unhealthy vegetarian pretty easily. At the height of problems, I started doing the fast food thing... not planning meals, grabbing something when hungry out of desperation and making bad choices. Guilt creeps in, and then not only am I making a bad choice but I am feeling bad about myself and perpetuating the cycle. A sure sign of addiction.

I have looked back at my old blogs in an attempt to see what I was doing then to try to inspire me now. IT has helped so much. I realized raw food in the beginning was not about what I could not eat... but what I could. I fell in love with the food, I wanted to eat it. I was overwhelmed by the overabundance of it. I believe that higher cooked for me 50-80% is right for me (at least for now). And when I go less I get less interested in food and loose what I started loving in the first place. So using this as a guideline, plus my original goals of at least 50% raw... I think it helps me stay on track in a doable way.

I have not been 50% raw, I have not been vegan. BUT, as nausea is almost completely gone now, I find myself believing that I can do it again. Challenging myself a little at a time to live it again. ONE green smoothie at a time!

MENTAL CHALLENGES
I have felt, the entire pregnancy, if I am honest... very worried about my health. I have not trusted the vegan diet, my body, my self discipline, my blood pressure, etc, etc. I have questioned my health and felt unhealthy for most of the pregnancy. I believe this is so much mental... and I am trying to daily do one thing to convince myself that my body is strong and doing it's job. I am trying to daily do one thing to make myself feel healthy... so I can change my mental outlook and increase my chances to have a healthy pregnancy to the very end.

I am sure a lot of it is my pregnancy with Astrid (and the problems)... but, I also believe pregnancy in general gives me this uneasy feeling that I am not in control... that my body is on it's own path and I am along for the ride. Which is true. But, I also do not trust my body to do what it needs to, which is not true. And I believe this is some of the reasons why I have been self sabotaging and not believing in a healthy me. What is funny/ ironic is the fact that I have only gained 8 lbs even half way through the pregnancy. This means, essentially, I have lost weight during the pregnancy... the baby and fluids at this point probably weigh at least 15 or so lbs. But, for some reason I am not as happy as I should be about my continued success as far as weight loss goes. If I stay on the same path and only gain another 8-12 lbs I will more than likely loose weight overall after the baby is born.

THANKSGIVING
I am planning my menu tonight for Thanksgiving. It is so great to have this blog as a resource plus all the info I have gathered over the past year. It makes it easier to have a healthy thanksgiving when I am less inspired than I was last year. When I look back at the recipes, I can not help but be struck with the passion I had for the food. The Generosity I saw in the nature of God and the food He created for us and now the true feeling of Thanksgiving overtakes me again. So, I plan almost a complete duplication of last year. It was a success and it will help me eat healthy for this baby and myself this year. So wish me luck and I will check in soon!