sheesh!

Pregnant
Week 12

sheesh!
I have had a bit of a rough first trimester.
I have been having a really hard time eating well while feeling very nauseas.
I have eaten more dairy in the last 2 months then I have for almost a year.
I can definitely tell, my skin is irritated. I feel really phlegmy, even allergy like.
And while skin breakouts are not uncommon with pregnancy... I know my skin before raw foods and this is what it was like before.

I also have had more wheat in the last 2 months then I have in almost a year.
Results... something I actually almost forgot or never noticed I had before. Small red bumps on my inner thighs and around my breast area. I am not sure if it is yeast or what.

I have also had to fight UTI/ yeast infection type symptoms... they never got very far and once again it COULD be preganancy related. But, I am at least pretty sure my diet has not helped.

Also, I have had a return of blood sugar problems... like low blood sugar in the middle of the night. Low blood sugar between meals. Headaches, etc.
This scares me since Gestational Diabetes would not be out of the realm of possibility for me.


THE GOOD NEWS.
I have had several days with no nausea. And while I still have an aversion to most fruits and greens... I am slowly building it back up. Anything is better then grilled cheese sandwiches for every meal. :) Well, not anything...

I feel like I will be able to start to increase my raw intake dramatically and because of the blood sugar stuff I know I need to.

So the plan is to do 50% raw this week and see how that goes. I can not promise no cheese, since it just seems to be something I want right now... but I am trying to cut bite size pieces and have it in between a meal with say an apple. I am going to look for raw goat cheese at the store since I think Whole Foods has it.

Self doubt and good intentioned encouragement
One thing that is very hard is unintentional attitudes from loving and beautiful people.
People who are concerned or people who just have a very different perspective.
I am not average, my relationship with food is not average... I have problems with healthy boundaries with food and when I slip I slip hard. So when someone says "You have to give the baby what it wants." or "Oh, well... you are pregnant... do not worry". Those are great and supportive comments. They just are not exactly true. I hate that I am beating myself up and while I do not want to feel guilt or shame over food the best way for me to do that is to gain control over my addictions... and my addictive behavior.
The truth is that this baby could be in serious trouble if I eat whatever I want. Now, some people just do not have to face that reality. I do. It is part of who I am and the weight I still carry. I have come very far, but it is also very easy to move back very quickly to where I was. I can not gain a whole lot of weight.. I weigh too much to safely do that.

I feel very sad over this and very scared... I feel out of control. I am going to try to focus on eating well and feeling better about my choices. The boundaries of raw food helped me much like alcoholics have to plan social occasions or times when they would normally drink. Now with this needed middle ground I have lost my boundaries and my control. Normal to feel out of control when you are pregnant. Let's face it you are. Your body is on a mission of it's own. With or without you, so you better hang on for the ride.

It has just been a hard road... literally being sick when thinking about most of what I was eating before the pregnancy. I guess the average women is unhappy to gain the weight during pregnancy, this is just a heightened concern... since it literally means the health of me and my baby.

Signs of life
I know I have felt some flutters. Which brings things into focus. The baby is alive. My body is doing what it needs to do to care for it. He/ she (I accidentally said "he" the other day) is going to bring so much joy and happiness into our lives. The baby is starting to take shape, when I see the pictures now.. it is a baby.

I have bought tiny baby shoes. And a bib with a owl on it. They make me happy. I need to buy a special blanket to cozy up with and bond with the baby inside. Some special habits and rituals to begin now making this all real to me. Then maybe the work of it all will feel a little less hard.

I also need to move. I have been cocooning a bit too much. I have felt not so hot. So, movement has been out of the question. Now, as the second trimester approaches, I think movement will play a key role in getting me out of the funk I am in.

Pregnancy smoothie for breakfast tomorrow. And a walk!
It is a plan.