Day 156 raw
I am back from Austin, getting back into the swing of things. What a great trip... I feel so relaxed and my goal to remove the lump of tension that was on the right side of my neck was accomplished.
Very good friends of ours in Austin called and told us that their mom was going out of town and her house was open and available for retreat status. Pool, whirlpool, garden as big as my living room and halls and maybe even one of my bedrooms all backing up to South Austin nature. The added bonus... a cushy bed a private bathroom. Double added bonus two of the best friends Vyk and I have plus the wisest and most loving. They both listened to me talk about all my woes of children's ministry and parenting of a teenage boy. Their children and Astrid played so well together and seemed to be able to play endlessly until around 5pm when they all seemed a bit combustible. April plans on homeschooling and talked at length about whether to do it or not. Which in addition to Austin which generally makes me want to home school as well as move ... made me think of all that could be (in theory) with homeschooling Astrid. We also visited the Austin Waldorf school store which always makes me fall in love with Waldorf again.
Raw food... I managed to eat pretty raw even with a sabotaging man baking brownies and topping them a la mode. Yes, I enjoyed it and yes I still did pretty well considering. Vyk and Jim actually went on a date to eat meat which was quite comical. Jim twisted Vyk's arm I am sure, male bonding time at it's finest was had by both men.
But Vyk and I finished off our week by stopping at the raw bar where I do believe he was just as happy with his meal there. Although the service was less than stellar and there was a raw food guy who I believe frightened Vyk and confirmed some of his theories on men who eat raw foods.
One of the things I realized while I was vacationing is that I cheated and did not feel guilt. I ate relatively good without killing myself and I was true to myself while enjoying my time with friends over food. I think that is something to aspire to always, more than the perfect raw diet that should be my goal. I often have said I do not want to eat anything I do not enjoy, and now I will add I do not want to have a lifestyle that I can not enjoy with friends. This might help me to put things in perspective.
Vyk has been a huge strength to me the last few weeks. He has encouraged me to not loose faith, he has encouraged me to try again with raw foods, he has encouraged me without guilting me or making me feel bad about myself. He ran to get green smoothie stuff for breakfast instead of offering to get breakfast tacos and all of that helps.
The last two weeks with him off, I have gotten a little spoiled by having him around. I fell in love with him all over again. Being with friends for some reason helped me see him from an outside perspective and he was kind, patient, soft spoken, good with children, helpful, strong, interesting, funny, and always considerate of me and Astrid above all else. Some of these adjectives might not have been the way I would have described him before this week. I might have said he was impatient, angry, inconsiderate, stubborn... which I am sure is true sometimes. But, gosh... it sure seemed to me like not that much. He is softening in his old age ;)
He has been growing out his hair which has been cut very very short for most of the last 15 years. It is coming out salt and pepper and soft. I always have told Astrid the story of the king who's hair is made of silver, copper and gold and who would shave it every week to pay to feed the village of people and his family. The story of Vyk, and I am glad this king has had the opportunity to grow his hair out just a bit and to relax and enjoy his family before rushing off to care for us again.
As for me... self care... that is the big theme. I said it before I left, but it is what I feel like I am still getting as wisdom on what I am doing wrong. After praying God seemed to give me this picture.... a small child who does not get love from her mother starts to act out. I do not care for myself with my food choices and so my inner child is acting out.. trying to feed herself and care for herself in a way that is child like. She is saying "FINE, I will feed myself and care for myself if you are not going to do it.. if you are ignoring me.. I will eat this! HA!- Now how do you feel?- not so good huh?" I am not sure what it will take to end this cycle of self neglect and acting out.
I know God had gotten me past it for quite some length of time and all I did was obey... so I am sure that is the answer.
One question was asked to me this weekend.. by my very good friends who know me so well... it was a question that brought tears to my eyes the moment it was spoken... kind of unexpectedly for me... They asked me "Who mothers you?" ...
Do I need anyone to mother me? I have been telling myself that I need to toughen up, that I do not need to be mothered... I am a grown women. Yes, I miss my mother.. but I do not need her. When they asked me this question.. I think it validated the feeling that I do need mothering. They asked "DO you have an Aunt?", "Do you have a friend?". The answer is no, I do not have anyone who mothers me. Maybe I need to seek it out a little or maybe I need to mother myself a little so my inner child will stop acting out and I can start finding a healthy balance in nurturing others.
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