New Raw Food Goals

Day 96

RAW

CATCH UP

Good stuff, but just a lot to catch up on. It has been over a week since I wrote! Yes, that is a sign.. And looking back at my blog I can see I was just floundering for a while now.

I can give excuses, Astrid was sick last week.. I was sick last week... And that is truth, but really it was building up and I just finally stopped fighting it.

I have been struggling and physically finally my body gave in and I had to face the flu and all that came of the flu... including a dream which told me I am doing "good work". I will try to remember to post on that too, later.

Mentally at the exact time my body gave in to the flu, I gave in. I let stress and self destructive patterns take over and I gave in to more cooked foods. When I was eating cooked foods, it was not about wanting it, or it tasting good... It was about just not caring. It was about, giving up and giving in. It was about pulling the comfort over my head so I could wallow. So, when I talk about cooked foods, let me be clear... this was not just oh, I'll have a little cooked food. This was mentally going somewhere that I have already overcome! This was me going backwards instead of forwards.

What it looked like was 50% raw, which is still better than the way I ate before I started this journey. And really better than anything I set goals for myself for in the beginning.

But, how did I feel? Not good. I was feeling guilty, tired, HUNGRY (really hungry), anxious, and even sad.

WHAT GOT ME HERE

OK so I have been thinking over what got me here. I have been thinking over what went wrong. And really I think it was a shift in thinking about what I wanted to eat, to thinking about what I could not eat. This most definitely happened when I did the 10 day challenge.

One of the things I am upset about myself for is that I recognized the shift, and tried to adjust. But, I think as soon as I realized that I was having a hard time I maybe should have just stopped. But, instead I kept on, and maybe it was more about pleasing people than helping myself. I did not want to fail at my challenge. I have a real problem with this. It is almost an anti competitive streak. Like I shut down when I enter competition instead of just keeping on at my same rate. It is I am sure born out of insecurity. BUT, I am not there any more, so while I want to reserve the idea that I need to learn from this. I also feel it is time to move on! To learn from new experience instead of dwelling on this low.

RENEWED GOALS
And move on I have.

Yesterday, I decided to do all green smoothies and I did. I woke up today with the energy and vitality returned. As well as a lot of profound spiritual break through...

I am doing green smoothies again today and have spent time looking at the first days and weeks and month of this blog to see what I did right then, that I have stopped doing now.

Here they are:

I have stopped setting small doable goals.

I have stopped planning meals

I have stopped moving

I have let stressful situations get the best of me

I have wallowed in the stress and guilt instead of learning from my mistakes

I have stopped thinking about what I am going to eat (and being excited about it)

I have stopped being creative with recipes

SO, I am going to go back and i am doing what I have stopped doing. Remove the "I have stopped" and those are my new goals for the week. And most importantly, I am giving myself a day to do them. Monday will be my day to plan and prepare for the week. Make staple foods, clean the kitchen and make sure I am ready for the week.

OWNING MY BELIEFS

I also am tackling the goal of my 100 goals (from The Sun food Diet Success System) of

Owning my beliefs and applying NOW to my life. I am not going to wait til it comes to me. If I care enough about something to believe it, I am going to be open to sharing it. And if I share it and someone thinks less of me because of it, that is just not going to effect me. I love people and I care about people but I will not be mentally controlled by what people may or may not think of me.

Here is some on that...

This AM, in prayer (I picked up Vyk at 3AM, and had some good prayer on the way with a sleeping Astrid in the car.. and then I woke up again very prayerful and with God talk talk talking to me) I was convicted and challenged on one of my goals to "take ownership of my beliefs".

This comes from a life time of living in a Christian culture that did not accept me. I have learned and accepted that I need to keep this dual existence... At my last church it became more than I could stand right around the time of the last presidential election... To give an example I will use my in box pre election... Email from my community was down right hateful and anti Islamic, full of Nationalism and pro bush Right wing Christian rhetoric... From all of my (ownership) causes the exact opposite. I was living two lives, one Christian and one the way I felt Christ was leading me to live. Now, this is NOT just about politics... IT goes so much deeper. And leading up to that time, Christ had really talked to me about who I was in Him... He gave me this deep sense of my place in the body of Christ. He reminded me of who I was as a child, my temperament. And that he made me to be very sensitive to the suffering of others and very sensitive to His call. I am so grateful for this leading, because when the election happened and I felt so LOST in the body of Christ I clung to that deep sense of who I was in HIM and it eventually brought me to Ecclesia, and I believe has lead me to a deeper walk with God.

OK so,
Up to present time... I have been brought to this "safe" place to be me. Yet, I still feel like I can't. I still filter, sensor, and water down the life that Christ has asked me to lead. Now, there is a very real balance factor. Like I also am kind, and not really a radical shock you kind of person. I have really been lead to just live differently and in my action teach and grow. If I want to be like Christ it is not really about shouting it.. it is about living it. However, when asked... I want to be bolder. When sharing I want to be more honest and less worried about what people will think. Or if I will be accepted. If I KNOW that Christ has asked something of me.. why should I be ashamed. Why am I ashamed of who He created me to be? I love Him and I trust Him. Or do I? Or do I think he just does not know.

THE SAMARITAN WOMEN AT THE WELL

I have always felt so close to the Samaritan women at the well who continued to ask questions of Christ, trying to explain to him why she could not do what he asked. So oblivious to the big picture, until she finally got it. I want to explain why I can not take ownership of the beliefs He has worked out in me. Not that I am RIGHT, but that I represent a piece of the picture, a piece that is what He wants in me. That is important to just be who Christ has called me to be. And that calls not for shouting it but it definitely calls for not hiding it. The Samaritan women was used by God to witness to who Christ was. I am sure her life was changed forever. She was no longer the Samaritan women who stayed within the confines of that role in her life.. she broke out and lived for a Christ who called her by name and saw her where she was. Did she take what she had learned (that this man was the messiah) and hold it inside of herself, or did she voice it.. she owned her beliefs, and therefore she owned the reality of Christ in her life.

So, what does this mean. Well here comes conviction.

Entering Community
Jean Vanier
When people enter
community, especially from a place of loneliness in a big city or from a place
of aggression and rejection, they find the warmth and the love exhilarating.
This permits them to start lifting their masks and barriers and to become
vulnerable. They may enter into a time of communion and great joy.But then too,
as they lift their masks and become vulnerable, they discover that community can
be a terrible place, because it is a place of relationship; it is the revelation
of our wounded emotions and of how painful it can be to live with others,
especially with some people. It is so much easier to live with books and
objects, television, or dogs and cats! It is so much easier to live alone and
just do things for others, when one feels like it.
Source: Community and
Growth

And that just nails it. It is about this, about feeling vulnerable. About opening up and letting everyone see just how much pain is there, and ya know what. I might face the same stuff I have faced my whole life... Christians might not "get" the me that God created me to be and they might not "get" the me that Christ is leading me to become.

BUT, ya know what? They never have.. and I think I am more likely to be truly loved by people who see all of me than by people who I am somehow giving half of to so I will be more "Christian" and less Christ like. SO... I am doing it. I am living and owning my beliefs.
They might not be 100% right. Because God talks to be daily and changes my thinking so radically everyday. But I know I am headed down the right path. And whoever wants to see where I am going better come along! Because it is getting GOOD!


WEIGHT LOSS TO COME

Good stuff, breakthrough stuff. The weight will be sure to follow!

I have been feeling like the weight loss has plateaued for a real reason. Emotional reason.

I internally was kind of holding on. The layers of fat are emotional protection. And when it falls away I will be left just me for all to see. So this breakthrough is what was needed.

If I own my beliefs, than I am owning and loving myself. I am loving the me that God created me to be. And that me weighs a lot less than I thought! :)

100 DAY CELEBRATION

I am 4 days away from being at 100 days on RAW foods! And without me even planning it, this happens to be the day I will go away to a friend's sisters house for a little free retreat in the hill country. There will be raw foods (we are each preparing a meal, and there is a great health food store close by which is very raw foods friendly.. actually David Wolfe spoke there and they are having their grand opening this weekend as well. So this is a great way to celebrate 100 days raw! With renewed focus and renewed energy!

Astrid's B Day Party

Day 87

RAW

Saturday

Well today was Astrid's B Day Party. Friends and family joined her dad and I to celebrate her 6Th year! It is so great to see her at 6 with real relationships outside of family developing. Real friendships that will most likely last years. I love that she actually has the opportunity to work at relationship and learn how to do and be. There are hits and misses, she is kind and not kind a lot! But I see her growing and handling problems better and better. I am proud of her.

She wanted a angel party... well she wanted a cow girl party and then decided she wanted an angel one. Kind of funny Angel/ cowgirl, pretty close really!

We had a Birthday ceremony where she crossed a bridge to us and then I told the story of her since Birth with pictures. I hope to make it a annual event at her B day parties. I got it from Waldorf, and since she is not going to a Waldorf school this year I kind of simplified it and recreated the ceremony for us.

Served more vegan cupcakes which were not gluten free and not healthy, but good. And I was once again shocked... I only ate one because they were so popular... at how little they effected my blood sugar! Full processed sugar and refined flour... NOT AT ALL WHAT I SHOULD EAT. But, still the fact that it did not effect me floored me. And shows how this diet is actually healing my body and insulin resistance. Not that this is an excuse to eat it constantly. But once a year or so for a Birthday, I will indulge. I actually hope to perfect a agave cupcake recipe with the gluten free flour that although cooked would be a better alternative. But this vegan cupcake book saved me a lot of heartache with Astrid this year! I actually had to lie and say they were not vegan, just to let it not be a point of contention. I am learning you can not do everything overnight when family is concerned!

Ice and Shane

Day 84
RAW
242 lbs

Wednesday

1-17-07


ICICLES


Well, today was a cold and wet day. Which resulted in a little ice this morning, just enough to close the schools and keep us home all morning. Astrid watched for snow late into the night last night and this morning awoke to tiny ice cycles ripe for the picking! The were strung across our house "like Christmas lights" and it was THE MOST EXCITING THING! So we bundled up and gathered as many as we could find, having then melt almost as soon as we touched them. She saved a few in a baggy in the freezer. Do not tell her they melted before re freezing, lets just leave that between us.





In the evening, I had a meeting up at Taft and which I cooked for. I made spelt pasta with the raw pesto sauce with a big greek salad. The pasta turned out only OK, mostly because I overcooked it. Oh well!





SHANE CLAIBORNE AND MLK


After the meeting was an event I have been looking forward to. Shane Claiborne came and spoke a little and then answered questions at Ecclesia. He told a lot of stories I have heard before, but they are the kind of stories you love to hear... "Tell me again about what the bishop in Iraq told you about Christianity".





Shane is the author of an amazing book called The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an ordinary radical. This is on my to do list for living, so any words I can hear from him, I will listen. He also has formed an intentional community called the simple way in Philadelphia and it is the community we at Ecclesia are looking at to see what this could look like for us.





OK, so I listened. One of the things that struck me, is he said that they live on $250 a month each. OK so, I am hoping he said a week, but I am pretty sure he said a month. I guess for my family that would be $1000 and would be doable. But, the idea of raw foods on that would be hard. Not impossible, just hard. Easy if you garden... starting a garden goes higher on my list almost every day. I usually have an herb garden, but it has all finally gone to seed for the winter. It alone saves me a lot of money, esp when I have cilantro in it. I buy cilantro weekly! So, a full garden would be an amazing savings. One of the top goals of the community we are looking into building here would be a community garden, so it makes a lot of sense to start. And the truth is I love to garden. I love to dig in the dirt, I love the smell and the feeling of it. I have always loved it. It is hard to believe I do not have a garden here, because I remember having apartments with a tiny patch of dirt and always having some kind of garden. And when I lived in Indiana and had a big yard and a giant garden with compost and all. It is always about money. That is what holds us back from most everything. And what is strange is it seems like the more money we make, the more this seems to be the case. The worse it gets. Things definitely need to change. And I feel like this kind of living would be so freeing, which I guess is weird to most people... since I guess it seems like a restrictive way to live. It is much like that with Raw foods, it seems restricting, but it is very freeing.





Today I happened to listen to an old recording of a speech by Martin Luther King. No, not that one... This one was given a few days after he renounced the Vietnam war, and very close to his death. What is strange is tonight, Shane quoted from the same speech. Pretty cool huh? Isn't that strange how you can go your whole life not hearing something and then come upon it twice in one day? Coincidence, well that is not what I choose to believe. It was God. :)





OH YEAH RAW FOODS





From theoretical to functional in 2.2 seconds. I am a mom!





I had a grilled cheese sandwich today. It was on sprouted bread, but it still had gluten and I used rice cheese. I really wanted a grilled cheese! I used the non hydrogenated flax seed oil margarine I bought to make the icing for the cupcakes. It tasted really good, I made one for my dad and he said "that tastes like a grilled cheese sandwich should". BUT, it sat in my stomach... like a rock. I think this is the first bread I have had in months and clunk, it sat.. It kind of started to make a peculating feeling in there and then felt like it was spoiling inside, I could feel it. I do not know if this was from being a very cooked food or if it was from the gluten??? But, yeah, not fresh and good feeling like I have become used to. This was the most cooked day I have had in like a month or maybe longer. I can certainly feel the difference. Mostly in ways I choose not to describe... I give way to much personal information on this as it is. I gave my weight out for gosh sakes! Speaking of which the weight is still staying the same. Like a stubborn cat on top of your favorite book. I am about to yell and stomp and raise a stink to get that scale to go on and move!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Think Snow and Sugar

Day 83

RAW

Tuesday 1-16-07

THINK SNOW

It is getting cold here. Houston is sub tropical, so we do not get cold much and when we do it kind of freaks us out. When it gets icy here it shuts everything down like when there is a major snow storm up north. But I love the cold, at least the cold here and expect school to be closed tomorrow and there to be some playing outside in the cold tonight and tomorrow, which is not as fun as playing in the snow.. but it is fun!

Astrid came home today with a green band aide taped to her forehead that said "think snow". Pretty great. She is definitely "thinking snow", and she keeps seeing snow.. who am I to tell her it is not snow. Is it snow? It could be...

A LITTLE SUGAR PLEASE

I worked, worked, worked today and I managed to have a largely raw day... minus the left over vegan cupcakes which by the way I am happy to report did not upset my stomach or blood sugar in any way. I used Turbinado sugar and gluten free flour, but still I am a little surprised. I am sure I should not add them into my daily diet, but occasional use is probably OK. :)

What is great about eating raw foods is that even when I have something cooked and even something that is sugary that I would have stayed away from before, my body seems to handle it more sensitively but at the same time better. Like my body just rejects it or in the case of a little sugar... does not seem as thrown off by it. That makes me very happy, because to me that means it is healing my insulin resistance. Healing the damage I have done with processed sugars and wheat and everything else. It is kind of like the benefits of alternative medicine vs traditional medicine... It goes past the symptom to the root of the symptom and heals the cause.

Astrids B Day and MLK

Day 82

RAW

Monday 1-15-07

VEGAN CUPCAKES

Well, today was Astrid's B DAY! HAPPY DAY!

And, we had a surprise day with a friend and her kids which was 500 thousand and 61 on a scale of 1 to 10 for fun! (Astrid rating scale).

Anyway, for her gift I bought her this vegan cupcake book that she always looks at and ohhhs and ahhhhs over when I am in Barnes and Nobel looking through Raw uncook books. So, I told her she could pick out any cupcake in the book and we would make them tonight for when grandpa came over. She picked an oreo cupcake. We went to Kroger and bought the ingredients and made them tonight!

So, this was my first attempt at Vegan baking. Since I went from former vegetarian/ meat and dairy advocate to RAW foodist overnight and skipped the vegan step all together! I was vegetarian for like 7 years and ate largely vegetarian until the last 3, so vegetarian cooking I have down, but vegan??? I am finding that with the family this is a necessary compromise to my lifestyle. Plus I wanted to have a cupcake with her with out feeling horrible after. I already had some cheese pizza today at lunch!

I also decided to sub a gluten free flour which in hind site was probably taking it wayyyyy toooooo farrrrr at once. But I did it anyway!

SO... was it a success?????????

I think so, the family gobbled them down with no faces, and they knew they were vegan and gluten free, because James helped make them too! James asked if we could always buy the Newman's own oreos, and I said... sometimes! Anyway, I have the book now and I will probably search for healthier versions than the one I made tonight. BUT, Birthday success!

The only complaint I would have is they were too sweet! Otherwise they were so good! Yes, they had sugar. I did not say healthy vegan cupcake I just said... not make you sick vegan cup cake. :)

Stop and Breathe

Day 81

RAW

Sunday Jan 14, 2007

LOSS OF PASSION/ FOCUS

I am feeling a little bit of a loss of passion and focus for a lot of things that God has shown and given me today. I have to trust it will pass, and I am praying for clarity and peace. Stress is a real kicker. The more stress you feel, the more stressed you are, the more stress you send out and the more other people are stressed with you.

I tend to do too much and to say "no" not enough. I sometimes think it is the female condition.

But, when I say that.. I also want to stand firm on the strong ideas I have that turning internal and focusing only on ourselves isn't the answer either. This "Oprahism", as I usually call it, is just not who we are called to be in Christ. It is not how "God's economy" (as my dad calls it) is run.

We give from the heart and that gift is given back to us overwhelmingly, and abundantly. When the gift is energy, God has every power to give us energy back. This is completely opposed to what our society says you should do for you. The idea that you can not give unless you do for yourself first has some truth, but it is only good in boundary setting... The truth is if you can... you should... And this is not always convenient or easy, but I promise it always has great and even unexpected rewards. Serving is one of the most beautiful things I do with my life whether it is serving my family or serving my community.

But all of that being said, God does not ask us to live in stress. Actually, if I am acting obediently, stress is gone because I am just following His will, and that means I do not have to worry. The burden of worry is not on me. As soon as I take that burden back up, and stop following... as soon as I start to try to do it alone.... God shows me pretty quickly I will fail. It is a beautiful gift, really. So as stress builds and I keep trudging on, things get worse, the knot in the stomach starts, I do not stop to breathe... I ignore it and press on, things get worse and worse...

Until, I stop... breathe, pray, give up, resubmit, obey and then move again.

It is amazing what breathing can do. Working with groups of young children, I have seen it so much. When I stop and breathe it breathes beauty and peace into the room of kids. As a teacher, you carry a lot of energy. If I am not centered before the kids show up, which I was not today, when they arrive they will be chaotic. But if I am centered, even a chaotic group of kids can be refocused when they enter. I have to remember to stop and breathe, which seems like the opposite of what I want to do which is run around and fix everything.

STOP AND BREATHE! OK, GOT IT!

100% RAW REFLECTION

Day 80,

Saturday 1-13-07

RAW

100%ish RAW REFLECTION

OK all of that talk about not wanting to do 100% and now I had a 100% day! It is so much about mindset and the ability to have something if you want it, that allows me to do what my body is saying instead of getting bogged down with a mindset that is just wanting something because I shouldn't.

I think I will never again do a 100% raw challenge. But you should never say never.

I think the next time I do it I will say something like...

Higher raw. OR challenge myself to do something like have 2 green smoothies a day.

Then it is not about what I can not have, but what I can have. Which is the beautiful place I found myself early on in this journey.

So, when I am talking about a challenge, somebody remind me about this.

Weight LOSS

I did not loose any weight during the 100% time, in fact I have this bouncing 10 lbs that sometimes shows up and sometimes is not there. 10 LBS!!!!

And if I said this is not getting me down I would be lying. I am wondering if because I was so uninterested in food.. maybe I did not get all the healthy fat and as much green leafy veg, etc.

I think when people do 100% there has to be some real effort to juice or do green smoothies. And even though I did do a green smoothie most days, when I think about what I ate.. I just was not taking in the same amount of produce because I did not want anything. I had to make myself have a smoothie and then make myself eat some nuts, etc.

Anyway, I hope it will be temporary and the weight will start to come off again. I will hang in there.

The loss of interest in food also slowed my recipe creating. And being a creative type, this is where a lot of the energy and interest in raw foods was making me happy.

I did concoct a great recipe during the time that I will post.

SALAD CHALLENGE RECIPES

ASIAN GINGER SALAD -

This salad is inspired from the ginger dressing you can get a lot of times on a salad at a sushi bar. It goes very well with Nori Rolls or as a beautiful meal by itself.

I think this is a great winter salad, maybe because of the warming of the ginger.

SALAD

Baby Nib lettuce (use a lite and crisp lettuce like this)

Small amount of shredded purple cabbage

Shredded carrots

Cucumbers

Sea weed (any kind you have, crumpled as a garnish)

DRESSING

This creamy and sweet ginger dressing makes a simple salad Divine!

Hunk of ginger (like a whole arm of the root, I use a lot, but try a little at first and add)

I used the vegan Caesar again for a base once again if you do not have it make a vinaigrette and add a little ground mustard to it.

5-6 macadamia nuts or pine nuts

1/2 Clove of garlic

5-6 baby carrots to give it a little sweet flavor and to give it a great color

Tiny bit of agave if it is not sweet enough

Enjoy!

Down Day with Bananas

Day 79

RAW

Today was a stay at home day. I actually did not have a car today, so I had no choice but to stay at home. This was good because I had a lot of work to do and no one around to distract me from it. I still have a headache today, just a dull one. And this morning I did not want much to eat and had to make myself eat a banana. I ended up kind of nursing myself on bananas all morning. I ate 3 total today. I had a smoothie for lunch and then decided to eat a spinach tamale when I went for dinner at a friends house. That and a few chips. Plus I brought a big beautiful Mexican Salad. Oh and she made this amazing raw pie which was chocolate topped banana mango. It was really good!

But now I find myself still with a headache and a little hungry.

I am not sure what is going on. But I will press through it!

I maybe need to invigorate myself somehow, get out in the fresh air more tomorrow! But, I also want to kind of feel where I am at. If it is an emotional detox then I think I need to let myself feel the emotions that are coming to the surface. I found myself getting a little short with Astrid today, which I realize I did so much more before I started this. I really was taken back by how irritated I was. And realized how far I have come from this. How much more at peace I have been and how happy I have been. It helped me see that the irritation was really over my unhappiness and had very little to do with her. Even if her behavior triggered it. I am so happy to have found something that fully revolutionizes how I see everything. But, I am really ready for things to get past this low and back to my new norm.

Tomorrow, I am going to wake up and have a watermelon slush. I am going to embrace this deep emotional cleansing that I am going through, and I am going to pray more for God to fill in where the cleansing is clearing out.

I made a promise with myself that I would start reading the book (sunfood diet success system) and doing a chapter a day today. I did not do it, so now I will have to double up on a couple of chapters so that I am ready for Sunday's book club. OH WELL!

Day 10 of 10 day 100%ish raw food challenge

Day 78

RAW

The day I felt a giant thud

I do not know what happened today to make me feel this way.

I woke up almost immediately having some pretty strong symptoms that I think are signs of a deep detox.

I have had a dull headache

I have low energy and I am sad.

I have thought about it and tried to figure it out, I would say it is like a deep thud on the inside. Like I got somewhere very deep inside with the 100%ish raw and I am feeling a giant thud! And it is a little empty, a little lonely, a little sad down there.

So once I realized that, I started praying for God to fill that part up with Him. Now that it is clean and empty and the hurt and sadness that were so deep inside are coming out... I am praying for His fullness to enter and fill it with joy.

The other thing I decided today for sure is I will not continue with 100% past this day. I will head to something closer to 80%. Doing the odd 100% day here and there. Or sometimes doing a challenge like this one, which I am really glad I did. I am finding myself excited to eat somethings cooked tomorrow. So, maybe I am just not ready.

Mostly the 10 days left me pretty uninterested in food. Which is great in some ways, but then I would get hungry and nothing sounded good.

It just frustrated me.

So, I am finishing off my 10 day challenge with a giant thud.

Day 9 of 10 day 100%ish challenge

Day 77
Raw

THE NUMBER 7
Wow, that is a little weird. I went to whole foods today, the one closest to me on Westheimer. Anyway, there is this woman who works there and we always see her. The first time she stood out to me is because Vyk noticed her tattoo which was in Arabic and she was impressed that he knew that. Anyway, while we are talking about it, we realize Astrid had a number 7 sticker on her shirt on her chest, and showed her a 7 tattoo she had on her chest. It was just a slightly interesting coincidence. And knowing the beauty of the number 7, I took special note of it. And today, when we went the lady stopped us on an aisle and talked with Astrid asking her how she was, etc... said I remember you "you had a number 7 sticker on your chest." So, anyway, when I am driving home I am thinking that there was something to the whole thing. I wondered if I should invite her to Ecclesia or something like that. I was thinking there was just a special connection that I could not put my finger on. I really thought all of this on the way home from the store. So now, I go to write about today and realize it is the 77th day of me being on raw foods. And now I am pretty happy to think of the chance encounter and the number 7 and what is God perfecting. There was even this other man in the store that was humming a very obscure song that I was just listening to on the way in, that is obscure and Christian, so it is just a little strange. He made eye contact and we said "hi" no big deal. But, who knows? I put nothing past God right now, he is leading people around and making things clear to me in all kinds of ways. I am just taking it as kind of a sweet gift that everyday of mine is numbered. That kind of thing. Don't worry, I am not hearing voices in the aisle of whole foods... not yet! HA HA!

Being the Beloved
Henri J. M. Nouwen
Being the Beloved is the origin and the fulfillment of the life of the Spirit. I say this because, as soon as we catch a glimpse of this truth, we are put on a journey in search of the fullness of that truth and we will not rest until we can rest in that truth. From the moment we claim the truth of being the Beloved, we are faced with the call to become who we are. Becoming the Beloved is the great spiritual journey we have to make.As long as "being the Beloved" is little more than a beautiful thought or a lofty idea..., nothing really changes. What is required is to become the Beloved in the commonplaces of my daily existence and, bit by bit, to close the gap that exists between what I know myself to be and the countless specific realities of everyday life.
Source: Life of the Beloved

Henri Nouwen is one of my favorite spiritual writers. He connects so strongly with people like me right now in this time of Christian thought. I guess in that way he was ahead of his time, or his writing is just timeless because it is so open and broken, so honest with the deep emotion that guides us into a very real walk with Christ He guides us into the darkest places most prefer to keep hidden. He is not at all afraid to go there or to reveal himself, he is very trusting of God, and most of what he writes you want to tape to your forehead and chant all day long. It is among most of my favorite writing in that way, less words more depth.

This quote is probably the closest thought I have found so far that grasps why eating a raw foods diet has been such a spiritual path for me. Raw foods starts to close that gap between what I know, what I have been promised and feel to be true... that God has whispered "Beloved" in my ear... and the realities of everyday life. It brings it into reality. It seems like proof to me. Proof, as I said in an early post, that someone has called me beloved and given me a beautiful gift of all I could need or want. And the act of living it out, in a very simple way, daily, bit by bit is living a tiny glimpse of what God has for us, and who he has called us to be. The name He calls us, the beauty He sees when He looks at us. I love that. Tape that one on your forehead!

Day 8 of 10 day 100%ish challenge

Day 76
RAW

VIRUSES

Today Astrid had a little cold, and this just kills me because as I hear her sniffle and cough, I know that I am avoiding all these little viruses that are running around my family. I feel myself getting the cold, but it is either a mini version or my body just fights it because I have like one sneeze and a tiny bit of drainage and it never becomes a cold. So, I feel like I am watching my child get sick and not quite there with her enough to keep her 100% healthy. Although I will say, she is pretty darn healthy and she is getting over it really quickly. We are getting there.

She is so funny, she will say "Mama, I am going to go on your diet to eat healthy with you." Then, like yesterday at a Mediterranean place, she said "Mama, I think I am gonna take a little break and have some chicken." She says it just like that. "Take a little break". So amazing that child of mine.

QUOTE OF A LIFETIME
Actually, today Astrid said the most beautiful thing to me. She came up to me and said "Mama, you are MAGI to me." The kids just learned about the 3 wise men yesterday, well they heard the story through advent, but they heard more on the "magi" yesterday, being epiphany. I can not tell you how special this was to me. It actually makes me want to cry just a tiny bit. The thought that she learned about the magi and then had the thought that I was like that. Pretty great, right? I am MAGI!

INVITE SOMEONE TO THE TABLE
Tonight Astrid and I went to a friend's house for dinner. She was kind enough to prepare a BEAUTIFUL vegan meal. It was amazingly generous and welcoming and I really appreciated it. It was cooked, but it was beautiful. Broccoli with olives, sweet potatoes, a beautiful pasta, tofu that was so good. Her husband took the time to make sure Astrid was happy too, offering her extras to make her and me happy with what she was eating. Isn't it beautiful how this kind of kindness makes you feel? Thoughtfulness. And how little we do it for each other, considering how it makes us feel. The dinner was for a group of people in and around my church who are considering community living and intentional living. Here is their blog . Vyk and I are very seriously considering it and being led to consider it. The idea is simple, and even if we just get involved in the discussion, it is just the kind of discussion we need to have.

SHOPPING SABBATICAL
One of the things I have been talking over with Vyk recently is this article . It is about a group of friends who decided to do a shopping sabbatical for a year, at first I just thought... I need to do that. As I thought it over, I thought through every purchase the next few days. Now remember, we are broke because Vyk was out of work for a month, we are barely making it.. but we are making it. And also keep in mind I am coming off of a simple and beautiful Christmas where I spent a little and seemed to still have too much. So, even with this all considered. This is hard to think about. But, the more I think it over the more I am thinking it is perfect for a Lent trial, so I am kind of thinking ahead. They allow for groceries, and health type purchases, and if you need something you try to buy used first. Like if Astrid needs a pair of jeans, I get them from a resale shop. Which is what I did for Christmas, I promised myself I would not buy Astrid a bunch of new clothes for Christmas parties, etc... So, i just did thrift and I think it is a great option for conscientious purchasing. Anyway, more on this later.

INTENTIONAL EATING
Yeah, I am here to talk about raw food. And I am feeling very good. I had a beautiful vegan cooked meal , with a little wine. The question came up that wine is raw, just fermented. I bet it is still pasteurized at least most of it? I don't know maybe not??? good question.
But all of my other meals are 100%. BEAUTIFUL! Feeling good about the "ish" part tonight!

Day 7 of 10 day 100%ish challenge

Day 75
RAW

Waiting for Our No to Become Yes
Gregg Levoy
The psychologist Abraham Maslow calls spiritual and emotional truancy the Jonah Complex: "the evasion of one's own growth, the setting of low levels of aspiration, the fear of doing what one is capable of doing, voluntary self-crippling, pseudo-stupidity, mock humility...." Calls often seem immoderate, beyond our abilities or our wildest dreams, beyond what we believe possible, and immoderation is contrary to most spiritual wisdom. We balk, but it makes perfect sense that we should be called to go beyond our limits, because the One that calls us is beyond all limits.

MOCK HUMILITY
Wow, as I wrote to friends, this one got me! It got me with mock humility... well, it got me with a lot... it called me out. I think one of the things I have worried with in doing this "raw thing" and really all the things God has called me to within the last 7 or so years is being percieved as "immoderate". I need to get over it. Because at this point in my journey, I am really way past that. And that is why the above passage is so good, because we are not called moderation. We are designed for more. We will not live our full purpose, but the closer we get to what we are designed for the closer we get to where God intended us to be, the less moderate we are. What is beautiful though, is it is in the most trivial, small and meekest possible ways. And it should not be challenging or seem subversive to live small or live simply, but it is. In exactly the way Christ was. And that is the closest I have gotten to being Christ like, at least so far. In the smallest ways possible.

God keeps calling me further in this journey and I keep obediently following, it is taking me to a very immoderate place and people will notice, I need to let that go.

The thing is, people have always found me strange in that same way, in a simple way. Maybe that is exactly why I worry. Some people have felt challenged by me even when I was very young. Strange, but true. Especially Christians, and if I had to pin point what it was it is that I see things just a little differently. It is the artistic temperament. It puts people off, the recognize it and some find it beautiful immediately, some warm up to it and some are really very frightened. I will heed my mom's advice to me when I was maybe 15... she said " the same people that find you strange or something that you are doing strange now are going to be the ones later that find you interesting and want to see what it is you are up to." What a good mom. I need to remember that one for my daughter who God help me is going to be the most amazing women in just a few years!

SUNDAYS
Sunday is a hard and good day for me. Hard work, but satisfying. I can not tell you the joy I have found in hard and satisfying work. Today was 100%ish the ish being tabouli. Gotta love eating out Sundays after church.

BOOK CLUB
Today was the first day of the Ladies of the Cacao Bean book club. We are going to be working through David Wolfe's book The Sunfood diet success system. Today was really just a pow wow session and check in, everyone that came has been doing the 100% challenge with me. So we are all kind of in the zone! It was so great to meet and talk, and share... and I got the book today and just am amazed at the striking similarities even just reading the topics of thing that I have written here and have faced in my journey spiritually esp. It just kind of proves (at least to me) the intention behind the creation of this food and how it just links you spiritually to God. I know you can probably eat a raw foods diet and be an atheist, but it might be really hard. It knocks the design of everything in your face and makes you realize someone who cares very deeply for you intended to feed you very well. I keep thinking "consider the sparrows".... So painfully simple, there this whole time. And this is one of his first thoughts. Just the introduction is already touching on it.

FRIENDS
More than anything, today I am grateful for being here, and having friends to talk it over with. It is kind of hard to describe, so it is beautiful to be able to talk it over with people who get it and get you, as I told one of my friends. To get and be gotten. One of these days I will blog about my ugly duckling stuff that God showed me right before I came to the community I am in now.
It is good, and long and I will dig up what I wrote and post it. I also have sketched out some ideas for art work for the story, so someday who knows? I might do it. HA!

Day 6 of 10 day 100%ish challenge

Day 74

RAW

Saturday

Feels good to me. This is a yo la tengo reference for those who have not heard yo la tengo, go listen... it is that kind of day.

By the way this art and the link of the day is from a new fave artist of mine. Actually, probably my favorite gift this year was a calendar of hers that my dear husband bought me. She cuts the art out with an exacto knife and prints them with soy ink on recycled paper. Her images are serene and simple, poetic and real. I just love her stuff and am going to look for a book of her work for a special treat when I have some cash. Check out her website and see if you do not find her images as moving as I do..

I am so happy today and so at peace. I am so happy with my husband and my daughter and even my brother who has been a pain in the arse lately. Just happy.

Woke up today with zero cravings, just really strong. But I still am just not wanting a heavy meal and that is hard for my family life because Vyk is hungry!

Smoothies are not cutting it for him. And I am busy so I have not dehydrated the taco shells I had planned for dinner tonight. I am going to a baby shower tonight and am making some sweet baby onsies with stamped words like I made for my daughter not so long ago. Anyway, it promises to be a fun night loving a soon to be first time mom who I love so much and can't wait to love her baby.

Back from the shower and finishing this, I actually faced a spread of desserts and had no need to partake. I actually got a little grossed out by cheese cake which is just not like me. Cheese cake is the one thing I used to think was worth the calories and even the sometimes headache from the sugar rush. Not anymore, kind of makes me think of phlym and that is not very appetising ;)!

So, strong til the end. Quite happy with this day.

Day 5 of 10 day 100% challenge

DAY 73

RAW

Well, today rocked! I had so much energy and needed it.

"GREEN SMOOTHIE CLEAN"

Vyk and I have started to refer to things as "green smoothie clean". That means it was given extra cleaning effort via the green smoothie. When we are tackling a big physical task we now make sure we have our green smoothies

I went up to work and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned! There was an office that was "given" to me and then things started changing and I knew that office would not really be mine. BUT, this week I ended up needing a printer and computer up there (My printer at home gives me so much trouble). Anyway, the office has been so bad and every time I walk up there and look at it I get upset and walk away. And the longer I wait for it to be cleaned by the people who trashed it the worse it gets. When I went in there today I just did not think I could stomach it. Someone had been using it a lot and had eaten up there or cleared dishes into there. Food, dirty plates and GIANT rat droppings. Not to mention a ton of other just junk. My husband went with me and I when I saw it I literally walked back out and said I couldn't do it, and I shouldn't have to. But, he said he could and it wouldn't be that bad and it wasn't as bad as it looked. So, he started and I went down to work in the kids area cleaning and then went back up to work with him. Now it is workable except knowing that there are giant rats around. Which ya know, is not exactly livable!

PMS

I feel great! AND, I started my period today with NO pain. In fact I kind of started thinking I was pregnant because I had no PMS and it was about time. I was emotional, but I also had huge emotional battles this past week. But, physical symptoms so far are non existent.

BODY ODOR

This is a weird one, but when I eat high raw foods, esp close to 100% I have very little body odor, now I have not tested the theory out really well, ya know I bathe daily so I am sure if I bathed less I would still smell. But, yeah, I smell good under my arms with my natural deodorant which is less than perfect for that kind of thing.

VYK

Vyk , killed me today. When we got up to my work here to after referred to as "Taft" there is a coffee shop within the building. Anyway, we have a tab, or I should say I have a tab, and Vyk is notorious for putting stuff on it. So when we walked in he just orders a bagel WITH CREAM CHEESE and a Oswalla protein drink. I looked at him and he was just really enjoying it and it seriously looked like he had not eaten for 4 days! I thought.. he is going to regret that later. So, we went to a salad bar for lunch and he grabs a few other not so hot choices, if you are trying to eat raw vegan. I think, that is OK, he will feel what he is doing.. sometimes we have to learn things the hard way. Then for dinner, he just decided to heat up an Amy's vegan burrito. Tonight, he is like.. Kathy, something I ate made me sick. So, I do not know what he will decide to do after this little challenge. My hope is it will help him eat healthier and I think that will happen. He is staying off of soda, he could have just as easily ordered that. And he still ate a salad, etc... I can see him ending up vegetarian or something, but having the tenacity to be vegan or high raw, I don't know? He might prove me wrong... I mean I never thought he would do half of what he has done this week.

THE DOWN SIDE OF 100%

There is one thing I do not like about 100%. It drives me a little crazy and makes me think I could not do it all the time. It is the idea of 100%, it is too perfect. It leaves no wiggle room and it is really hard. Like it makes you say.. is this condiment raw? IS this herb processed? IT just drives me crazy. I hate that part of it. Now if my goal is 100% raw plus a little wiggle for using almond milk from the box and a vinaigrette from super salad and a sprinkle of not raw sunflower seeds. That just makes me feel better about it, I do not have to worry over the details of it. AND I feel really good, I can't imagine feeling much better. And it made it doable to eat out today and be 100% ish raw. So that is my new thing for the week. My new goal 100%ish. Then I do not just freak out and eat something cooked out of some kind of self imposed mind set. I feel much better now. I am changing the above title :) And I am happy about it!

Day 4 of 10 day 100% challenge

Day 72
RAW

Today, I felt sooo good. And I made my 100% goals, at least in theory. If I am a stickler I was not 100%, but I was pretty close. 99%!!!!

HOW I FEEL

I wish I could describe how I feel on higher raw foods. And that is with a cooked meal in there, think how I will feel the next day and the next.

Here are some words to try to describe it... the best one is clear, I am so clear headed... everything feels the way it is supposed to in my head... and I do not know if this even sounds crazy, but think about how much your head does not feel clear sometimes and you will get a little of the idea.

Clean, fresh, smooth, centered, calm, happy, joyful, balanced, refreshed, not thirsty, fulfilled...

Hey, I wrote a whole blog on that one.

There are no mild headaches, no aches in my body at all. No tension in my head, neck, shoulders... and I have not done yoga or really much exercise this week.

FAMILY

Today I started getting to the point where I start not being very hungry. Which is a little hard because I am still preparing food for my husband and daughter. I re read some of an ebook I had gotten early on, when I was just worried about this stuff for me. So I re read it and got a lot of kids ideas out of it. I think part of my problem is that I am very anti sweets. The idea of giving my child a cookie for breakfast seems awful. Or a pudding for dinner. But, that is exactly why that would be the thing to do for her. Kapow! Eat all your pudding for dinner... eat all of it or you get no fruit for dessert. :) Pretty funny, huh? And I think I need to think about food from her perspective. Which is why when she says she does not like it I am just asking what do you like, or what would you change now and seeing what I get back as an idea. It is working slowly, but I still loose a lot of work on making something and then her saying she would rather have an apple. :) Thank God for apples.

ORANGES

The ebook I was reading was saying to give children a lot of orange juice, I am not quite sure why. But I think it was a nutritional thing, or maybe this family just loved it. More reading to come, more learning. Anyway, my friend sent me a story about her daughter who wants an orange birthday and wanted the perfect orange outfit for it... she really does not have a lot of time to spend shopping, because she has 3 little ones.. but they went out to this funky kids shop and walked up to the 4T section and there it was orange velvet pants and a tie dyed shirt with an orange on it. How cute is that? It made me want oranges, and it made me want to post an orange for the blog pic. I need to make sure I send her a box of oranges wrapped in orange tissue or something! So great! Oh wait, I know what she needs... shhhh! I think she reads the blog sometimes :)

Day 3 of 100% raw challenge

Day 71

RAW

Living the Story
Frederick Buechner

We have it in us to be Christs to each other and maybe in some unimaginable way to God too. We have it in us to work miracles of love and healing as well as to have them worked upon us. We have it in us to bless with him and forgive with him and heal with him and once in a while maybe even to grieve with some measure of his grief at another's pain and to rejoice with some measure of his rejoicing at another's joy almost as if it were our own. And who knows but that in the end, by God's mercy, the two stories will converge for good and all, and though we would never have had the courage or the faith or the wit to die for him any more than we have ever managed to live for him very well either, his story will come true in us at last. And in the meantime, this side of Paradise, it is our business (not, like so many, peddlers of God's word but as men and women of sincerity) to speak with our hearts (which is what sincerity means) and to bear witness to, and live out of, and live toward, and live by, the true word of his holy story as it seeks to stammer itself forth through the holy stories of us all.
Source: A Room Called Remember

Well, today I laid on the floor, I worked, I laughed, and one of the major relationships in my life tasted redemption. Pretty good day, just not 100% raw. I shared a meal with my brother and although I am glad I had a meal with him and worked out what we needed to work out, it was cooked. Vegan, but cooked none the less :). But the rest of the day was raw and I am feeling really good!

Someone that has known me for a few years now, but does not know me well enough to know what I have been up to complemented me and told me I looked great, my skin looked great, and asked what I was doing. Feels pretty good! I am finally starting to see the change too. Like Christmas when my pic was taken I still was not really happy with the pics, but I was happy to see that I looked remarkably smaller. I have seen it more in my clothes getting amazingly big. There are a couple pairs of pants I need to retire. Pretty great! Vyk has taken to coming up and hugging me and seeing how big my pants are... like a little ritual. I can tell he is so proud. He has always loved me and even thought I was beautiful, no question... I know it. But he is proud of me for doing it, and he thinks I am more beautiful daily. Pretty cool!

We have been talking a lot about "love languages". Because we have read the book together and he has taken the time he has had off work to really read it and try to apply it. Which is sweet! His love languages are physical touch and acts of service. Mine are words of affirmation and gifts. So, I have just had a breakthrough with the whole thing. The idea is the area where we meet in the middle... the areas where we can give and take love.. as Vyk said the language we share is where we will communicate best. So that is Acts of service and gifts. So, I have been enjoying doing this with raw foods. I enjoy it and he appreciates it. I am actually excited about when he goes back to work, because even though I will miss all the time we have had recently, I have plans for his lunches.. and love and tiny gifts. It makes me happy just thinking about it.

One of the things I have planned is to buy him one of these for his first day back. I will have to save my pennies because they are not cheap, but they are now available at Whole Foods! What a perfect gift esp lovingly filled with his new favorite drink of ginger lemonade.

Day 2 of 10 day challenge

Day 70

RAW

Well, I did it. 100%, whew! It was a little hard because I had an emotional day and am just wiped out. I told a good friend I was going to schedule 2 days to lay on the floor. That I typed it into my outlook calendar "lay on floor" and then when it said duration, I choose "two days". Now, will I actually lie on the floor for 2 days? probably not, but I am planning some laying on the floor time, a lot of it.

WHAT I ATE TODAY

Breakfast- Almond butter and banana smoothie

Snack- watermelon Popsicle

Lunch- trio of mini salads... A caesar (my new fave), left over zucchini 'pasta' pesto, and I made the mock tuna salad from RAWvolution.. that was OK , but will take doing it again to really see.

I have my new food processor and I am not really sure how to work it well. So I ended up accidentally processing some of the celery in. I ate it, and it was pretty good, but not really.

Snack- fruit leather

Dinner- left over Thai Salad and I made vegan Pad Thai for Vyk and Astrid.

YESTERDAY

I wanted to post a little more about my New Years Day meal.

I already posted what I had planned.

Mock mashed potatoes from RAWvolution

A salad

Black eyed peas

I actually tried sprouting the black eyed peas, to put them in the salad and be 100% raw, but it was a failed attempt.

Also, Whole Foods had these brilliant and giant local grown cawliflower for like 1.99 or something like that. It took a whole shopping bag just for it.

The mock mashed potatoes were smooth and looked like mashed potatoes, but they were just OK and I decided... (MY new Mashed Potato Theory) I eat mashed potatoes like 2-3 times a year and they are really not my down fall... so when I want mashed potatoes I am going to have my vegan mashed potatoes and when I want cauliflower I am going to have the following salad because it ROCKED!!!!

PERFECT NEW YEARS DAY SALAD

Baby Spinach

Cauliflower florets

Tahini dressing

Black eyed peas sprinkled on top (by next year I will figure out the sprouting thing)

Cauliflower crumbled on top (this is actually a great salad topper- who would have thought)

Perfect, what did I tell you?

FAMILY UPDATE

My husband has been raw for 6 days and he is through detox and starting to feel good. I asked him today if he thought he was going to do this all the time and he said yes.. so, huh? We will see. This plus a lot of un cooking and ALOT of no's has finally gotten my daughter over the hurdle of the changes in me and now in her daddy. She (and I swear I am not exaggerating) asked for candy about a thousand times since I have started this journey. And she was kind of not eating much food. I would make her something she would sniff it and ask for candy. I swear to you. And this is a child who has heard no a lot from me with sugar, and should and does know not to even ask. So, I would just put up the food and when she asked I would tell her all the things she could eat. I know a lot of this was some mixed messages my husband and I were sending and some attitude she was getting from her Uncle (18). So Vyk and I being on the same page is really helping.

Now, this sounds strange. But we took her to see a movie (Charolette's Web) today for her last day of vacation and as we were leaving.. she all of the sudden wanted something... just wanted something, something to eat, to play a game, to take a picture, something. I don't know if you have ever noticed and if you are not the same kind of parent as me maybe you wouldn't but the entry and exit of these kinds of places are intentionally set up to subvert any decent parenting. Intentionally! They are loud and flash and glare and sucked in like flies to honey. We had brought fruit leathers and water to the movie. And we are tight on money right now. I told her when we got home I would pop her some popcorn, and it would be healthy and free. She started kind of loosing it and asking for a game. And saying "other children my size play those games, I saw them.. why do you always say no". You say no to everything. We are trying to just leave and not answering.. so then she says "can I have a picture?" I say maybe next time, right now we do not have enough money. Well she looses it, for the first time in gosh maybe 4-6 months. She just comes undone. And we carry her out, whining "I want a picture" over and over.

She cries the whole way home and when we get there she has a time out and then I talk to her... She cries and flails around telling me all about it. Then, she calms down I love on her and we go out to make dinner. She helps set the table and then as I am cooking she comes over and says "I am having some candy... some purple candy" she shows me a grape. Then she goes back to the fridge and says "I am having an orange candy" and shows me a carrot. I say, "can I have one, will you share?" she says "yes". And it was a breakthrough moment. She asked for an orange with dinner and she ate everything. Later that evening she asked "what can I have for a snack?" I gave her the list of options and then she went and got one of them. Breakthrough.

Now, keep in mind I had an emotional day, and so did she... so it was not all about the food. But it was a breakthrough, I promise. I can feel it. For us both.

1-01-07
Day one of
10 day challenge

Day 69
RAW
242
30 LBS lost!!!!!



HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I lost another 5 lbs, making 30 total! And I am starting my 100% raw challenge. Although my day will probably be closer to 95%! Pretty good start to the new year.
I want to do one or two days liquid too, but today is not the day for that.

I had a really stressful couple of days with my 18 year old brother who lives with me. I am putting his picture above so everyone who reads this will remember to pray for him. I am trying to just stay centered and have peace in the middle of yet another storm. So, pray.
I love him so much, he is just not making it easy right now! ;)

Plans for today
AM
Satsuma/ vanilla smoothie
Watermelon slush


For New Years Lunch with dad around 1pm
Mock mashed potatoes from RAWvolution
Big salad with black eyed peas... that will make me 95% but it is new years and black eyed peas and the south and good luck... Just have to do it!

New Years Dinner with friend over
Big Thai Salad served with Pad Thai (for family and guests)
Reisling - I might have to have some of this. Is that raw?

Desert
Raw chocolate
Smores with Nutella spread, Astrid's flax crackers, family/friend will add marshmellow spread.


Astrid's Flax seed crackers:
1&1/2 cups Golden Flax seed
2&1/2 cups Water
Let sit for 6-12 hours, til water is absorbed.
Then add
1/2 cup Raw Honey
1 T Cinnamon
1/2 tsp Cardamom

Mix and process in food processor briefly

Spread the mixture onto dehydrator trays and dehydrate for 6 hours, flipping and scoring and then dehydrate another 6-12 hours until crispy.