DEEP MUD

Day ? Raw

Psalm 40

A David Psalm

1-3 I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch,
pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
to make sure I wouldn't slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song,
a praise-song to our God.
More and more people are seeing this:
they enter the mystery,
abandoning themselves to God.

4-5 Blessed are you who give yourselves over to God,
turn your backs on the world's "sure thing,"
ignore what the world worships;
The world's a huge stockpile
of God-wonders and God-thoughts.
Nothing and no one
comes close to you!
I start talking about you, telling what I know,
and quickly run out of words.
Neither numbers nor words
account for you.

6 Doing something for you, bringing something to you—
that's not what you're after.
Being religious, acting pious—
that's not what you're asking for.
You've opened my ears
so I can listen.

7-8 So I answered, "I'm coming.
I read in your letter what you wrote about me,
And I'm coming to the party
you're throwing for me."
That's when God's Word entered my life,
became part of my very being.

9-10 I've preached you to the whole congregation,
I've kept back nothing, God—you know that.
I didn't keep the news of your ways
a secret, didn't keep it to myself.
I told it all, how dependable you are, how thorough.
I didn't hold back pieces of love and truth
For myself alone. I told it all,
let the congregation know the whole story.

11-12 Now God, don't hold out on me,
don't hold back your passion.
Your love and truth
are all that keeps me together.
When troubles ganged up on me,
a mob of sins past counting,
I was so swamped by guilt
I couldn't see my way clear.
More guilt in my heart than hair on my head,
so heavy the guilt that my heart gave out.

13-15 Soften up, God, and intervene;
hurry and get me some help

OK just between you and me blog...
I can't count the days between this post and the last one. Which is about a month. In fact, if I was counting it... I would have to apply a negative balance to the last month because with the exception of a green smoothie fast I have been eating soooo horriably it is making me think I have real food problems.

Stress
I hate to say it. I hate to admit it.
I get in a cycle of stress and tend to overeat.
No, I did not end up weighing as much as I do with eating kind of badly.
And I know what to eat... that is true.. what makes me feel good and good about myself.

I feel like if I am honest and admit everything to myself about the last month... I realize that I really have some food addiction problems which is just a symptom of larger problems and the way I cope with them. I have every symptom for addiction which is hard to face and look at. Food specifically cooked food is my drug of choice. How is it not like an addict when you eat something that makes you feel bad and then you feel guilt and eat more. Chocolate, white bread, sugar, you name it I have had it in the past month... And it was such a slippery slope.
Well, I will just eat this meal vegan and not worry about raw and that will be OK.. I will just eat vegetarian and that will be OK, I will just eat this one meal not healthy and that will be OK, I will just not care.. but it is this one meal and it will be OK, I will just eat this way for a little while and then make up for it and it will be OK, OH... I feel awful... What have I done to myself?
And really why I am I doing this to myself?
Guilt
Shame
Hiding

I feel bloated, depressed (gosh does this food effect my mood), and cloudy, I am literally experiencing signs of depression... I am having some of my bloodsugar issues come up. And last night after eating badly all day yesterday I woke up sweaty and thought... I am going to become diabetic...

Shame
Overwhelmed
Why even try
Giving up

Eating worse, soaking in self destruction, self loathing

Feeling out of control
I can not control myself...
I can not do it..
I am destined to remain overweight, headed for more and more health problems
Is this true?

NO!!!!!!
It is not.

I have done it for 155 days so it is not true!
I might have gone backwards
But I know what can help get me forward moving again
I have been worse and done better
I can do it!

One of the problems I have is boundaries
I do for others before I do for myself

I loose focus and take the focus off of me and onto all that I 'have"to do.

I am wiped out and needing a lot
But I do not ask for help
I do not ask for anything
I hide the problems

I do not want to make a resolution right now.. I do not want to say what I will do.
Right now, for this post I am going to just take a full assessment of where I am at and try to think about what got me here and how to not get back.

I am bloated
I have gained weight (stopped weighing so I am not sure how much)
My stomach feels acidic
Physical symptoms that I had stopped having have returned
I am not all the way back to where I was when I started but I am pretty darn close.
I thought about starting over at day 1 on this blog ... and I still might.

But I think I will just find a good compromise.. like not counting the last month.

More later. Resolve. Change. Asking for help.

But later.
Right now I am going to go celebrate my dad's Birthday. I do not even want to eat anything I am so upset with myself. And here I am going to a Mexican restaurant.

Wish me luck!