New Raw Food Goals

Day 96

RAW

CATCH UP

Good stuff, but just a lot to catch up on. It has been over a week since I wrote! Yes, that is a sign.. And looking back at my blog I can see I was just floundering for a while now.

I can give excuses, Astrid was sick last week.. I was sick last week... And that is truth, but really it was building up and I just finally stopped fighting it.

I have been struggling and physically finally my body gave in and I had to face the flu and all that came of the flu... including a dream which told me I am doing "good work". I will try to remember to post on that too, later.

Mentally at the exact time my body gave in to the flu, I gave in. I let stress and self destructive patterns take over and I gave in to more cooked foods. When I was eating cooked foods, it was not about wanting it, or it tasting good... It was about just not caring. It was about, giving up and giving in. It was about pulling the comfort over my head so I could wallow. So, when I talk about cooked foods, let me be clear... this was not just oh, I'll have a little cooked food. This was mentally going somewhere that I have already overcome! This was me going backwards instead of forwards.

What it looked like was 50% raw, which is still better than the way I ate before I started this journey. And really better than anything I set goals for myself for in the beginning.

But, how did I feel? Not good. I was feeling guilty, tired, HUNGRY (really hungry), anxious, and even sad.

WHAT GOT ME HERE

OK so I have been thinking over what got me here. I have been thinking over what went wrong. And really I think it was a shift in thinking about what I wanted to eat, to thinking about what I could not eat. This most definitely happened when I did the 10 day challenge.

One of the things I am upset about myself for is that I recognized the shift, and tried to adjust. But, I think as soon as I realized that I was having a hard time I maybe should have just stopped. But, instead I kept on, and maybe it was more about pleasing people than helping myself. I did not want to fail at my challenge. I have a real problem with this. It is almost an anti competitive streak. Like I shut down when I enter competition instead of just keeping on at my same rate. It is I am sure born out of insecurity. BUT, I am not there any more, so while I want to reserve the idea that I need to learn from this. I also feel it is time to move on! To learn from new experience instead of dwelling on this low.

RENEWED GOALS
And move on I have.

Yesterday, I decided to do all green smoothies and I did. I woke up today with the energy and vitality returned. As well as a lot of profound spiritual break through...

I am doing green smoothies again today and have spent time looking at the first days and weeks and month of this blog to see what I did right then, that I have stopped doing now.

Here they are:

I have stopped setting small doable goals.

I have stopped planning meals

I have stopped moving

I have let stressful situations get the best of me

I have wallowed in the stress and guilt instead of learning from my mistakes

I have stopped thinking about what I am going to eat (and being excited about it)

I have stopped being creative with recipes

SO, I am going to go back and i am doing what I have stopped doing. Remove the "I have stopped" and those are my new goals for the week. And most importantly, I am giving myself a day to do them. Monday will be my day to plan and prepare for the week. Make staple foods, clean the kitchen and make sure I am ready for the week.

OWNING MY BELIEFS

I also am tackling the goal of my 100 goals (from The Sun food Diet Success System) of

Owning my beliefs and applying NOW to my life. I am not going to wait til it comes to me. If I care enough about something to believe it, I am going to be open to sharing it. And if I share it and someone thinks less of me because of it, that is just not going to effect me. I love people and I care about people but I will not be mentally controlled by what people may or may not think of me.

Here is some on that...

This AM, in prayer (I picked up Vyk at 3AM, and had some good prayer on the way with a sleeping Astrid in the car.. and then I woke up again very prayerful and with God talk talk talking to me) I was convicted and challenged on one of my goals to "take ownership of my beliefs".

This comes from a life time of living in a Christian culture that did not accept me. I have learned and accepted that I need to keep this dual existence... At my last church it became more than I could stand right around the time of the last presidential election... To give an example I will use my in box pre election... Email from my community was down right hateful and anti Islamic, full of Nationalism and pro bush Right wing Christian rhetoric... From all of my (ownership) causes the exact opposite. I was living two lives, one Christian and one the way I felt Christ was leading me to live. Now, this is NOT just about politics... IT goes so much deeper. And leading up to that time, Christ had really talked to me about who I was in Him... He gave me this deep sense of my place in the body of Christ. He reminded me of who I was as a child, my temperament. And that he made me to be very sensitive to the suffering of others and very sensitive to His call. I am so grateful for this leading, because when the election happened and I felt so LOST in the body of Christ I clung to that deep sense of who I was in HIM and it eventually brought me to Ecclesia, and I believe has lead me to a deeper walk with God.

OK so,
Up to present time... I have been brought to this "safe" place to be me. Yet, I still feel like I can't. I still filter, sensor, and water down the life that Christ has asked me to lead. Now, there is a very real balance factor. Like I also am kind, and not really a radical shock you kind of person. I have really been lead to just live differently and in my action teach and grow. If I want to be like Christ it is not really about shouting it.. it is about living it. However, when asked... I want to be bolder. When sharing I want to be more honest and less worried about what people will think. Or if I will be accepted. If I KNOW that Christ has asked something of me.. why should I be ashamed. Why am I ashamed of who He created me to be? I love Him and I trust Him. Or do I? Or do I think he just does not know.

THE SAMARITAN WOMEN AT THE WELL

I have always felt so close to the Samaritan women at the well who continued to ask questions of Christ, trying to explain to him why she could not do what he asked. So oblivious to the big picture, until she finally got it. I want to explain why I can not take ownership of the beliefs He has worked out in me. Not that I am RIGHT, but that I represent a piece of the picture, a piece that is what He wants in me. That is important to just be who Christ has called me to be. And that calls not for shouting it but it definitely calls for not hiding it. The Samaritan women was used by God to witness to who Christ was. I am sure her life was changed forever. She was no longer the Samaritan women who stayed within the confines of that role in her life.. she broke out and lived for a Christ who called her by name and saw her where she was. Did she take what she had learned (that this man was the messiah) and hold it inside of herself, or did she voice it.. she owned her beliefs, and therefore she owned the reality of Christ in her life.

So, what does this mean. Well here comes conviction.

Entering Community
Jean Vanier
When people enter
community, especially from a place of loneliness in a big city or from a place
of aggression and rejection, they find the warmth and the love exhilarating.
This permits them to start lifting their masks and barriers and to become
vulnerable. They may enter into a time of communion and great joy.But then too,
as they lift their masks and become vulnerable, they discover that community can
be a terrible place, because it is a place of relationship; it is the revelation
of our wounded emotions and of how painful it can be to live with others,
especially with some people. It is so much easier to live with books and
objects, television, or dogs and cats! It is so much easier to live alone and
just do things for others, when one feels like it.
Source: Community and
Growth

And that just nails it. It is about this, about feeling vulnerable. About opening up and letting everyone see just how much pain is there, and ya know what. I might face the same stuff I have faced my whole life... Christians might not "get" the me that God created me to be and they might not "get" the me that Christ is leading me to become.

BUT, ya know what? They never have.. and I think I am more likely to be truly loved by people who see all of me than by people who I am somehow giving half of to so I will be more "Christian" and less Christ like. SO... I am doing it. I am living and owning my beliefs.
They might not be 100% right. Because God talks to be daily and changes my thinking so radically everyday. But I know I am headed down the right path. And whoever wants to see where I am going better come along! Because it is getting GOOD!


WEIGHT LOSS TO COME

Good stuff, breakthrough stuff. The weight will be sure to follow!

I have been feeling like the weight loss has plateaued for a real reason. Emotional reason.

I internally was kind of holding on. The layers of fat are emotional protection. And when it falls away I will be left just me for all to see. So this breakthrough is what was needed.

If I own my beliefs, than I am owning and loving myself. I am loving the me that God created me to be. And that me weighs a lot less than I thought! :)

100 DAY CELEBRATION

I am 4 days away from being at 100 days on RAW foods! And without me even planning it, this happens to be the day I will go away to a friend's sisters house for a little free retreat in the hill country. There will be raw foods (we are each preparing a meal, and there is a great health food store close by which is very raw foods friendly.. actually David Wolfe spoke there and they are having their grand opening this weekend as well. So this is a great way to celebrate 100 days raw! With renewed focus and renewed energy!